Tuesday, April 17, 2007

No, Not Just a Bad Day

The past few days I have been considering my blog and not liking what I see. I have considered myself a writer; that’s why I started it. I have always believed that I had something to say. I wanted my blog to help give me the discipline to write a few times per week and to give me an outlet to speak my heart and mind.

But look at it. I don’t say anything. I still have plenty to say; I have just chosen to not say it. Instead, I have indulged myself by whining about my marriage, playing around with Thursday Thirteen, or some other piece of drivel designed to pander and not offend. Somewhere, I have decided to cater to you guys or to keep it relatively safe when it comes to topics.

Last week, I set two personal pageload records back to back. I just don’t know why. I want to ask you why you keep tuning in, but I don’t want to come off like I am begging for compliments, because I am not. Getting a “this should make him feel better about his blog” comment would do more harm than good, I suspect.

I am a writer, damn it! Yet, my blog won’t back me up on this claim. I know it doesn’t.

I thought my blog would be funnier. I have had at least a half dozen people tell me throughout my life that I was the funniest person they knew. Where is that guy now? Over the years, I have lost some comedic qualities. They surface from time to time (rarely in my blog), but it isn’t like it used to be. I guess real life has tainted me.

It is like I have been a victim of a heinous crime. Some evil syndicate has sent agents to distract me with life while other operatives come and steal my humor, voice, and relevance.

I don’t know what will become of this blog. I am not going to quit, but it will be hard for it to remain the same. It is not like I want a new gimmick or meme (hate that word). Actually, it is quite the opposite. I just want to grow a couple so I will actually say what I want to say.

Stay tuned.

8 comments:

Epiphany11 said...

Simply by recognizing what's absent - and missing it - you're already well on your way to retrieving the person you once were.

Anne said...

Well I first came over because Chosa liked you, and so you must be OK. I stayed because you seemed to know alot, and were not averse to debating things with a weird chick you didn't even know. Now? Now I hope all that shit you know to be true will transfer to this space so that I can soak it up like a sponge. I'm fine with waiting until that happens. I can wait. It's easy.
But, I gotta tell you, if you leave when I've barely started reading you, I'll be reallly pissed off at you.
I'm just sayin'.

Jeff said...

Epiphany: I think you're right - at least I hope so.

Anne: I am not going to leave. I just hope that when I write something that may come cross-wise with other people's opinions, that they will still be interested.

Anne said...

Silly boy, that would only make it even MORE interesting. At least it would for me.

Sayre said...

I can totally relate to what you're saying here, Jeff. I wanted to get back in the habit of writing. The blog helped me do that. I do a little something almost every day. It's evolved into something I hadn't anticipated but I enjoy it. I cherish the people who have made it a habit to stop by and say hello and get a little thrill whenever a comment pops up in my mailbox. But it isn't why I started all of this at all.

One of the most important things my blog has done, though, is reconnected me with a side of my family that I haven't seen or talked to in years. My mom gave them my blog address and suddenly we're having a dialogue.

My father says I should rewrite some of my stuff to be read aloud and do short radio essays with it ala Baily White (NPR - and a local gal!) An interesting thought. And I could actually accomplish something of what I originally started out to do!

I enjoy your blog, Jeff. I know what it means to me - but you need to decide what it should be for you. Whatever you do, I'll still be checking in!

Jeff said...

Sayre: That's great how your blog has helped you connect to your family. I think that radio idea may be a good one. You have some funny stories.

As far as my blog, I guess I am not as down on it as I seemed to be. I guess I am a little frustrated with my other writing habits. I have been working on some projects, but not much since the blog because of my time. Sometimes, when I look at my blog, I feel that I traded my REAL writing for this stuff and it bugs.

Because of this, I hope my blog becomes just a little edgier - even risking offending someone, although not wanting to, but also a little funnier - letting my humor that I lost resurface. I guess we will see.

Jod{i} said...

One, I will hunt you down...
Two...
We write from our perspective, and OUR perspective is just that, so we can not, at times, step outside of it and realize the impact the words may have on another, unless they something.
Putting the words out there...are plenty. Giving your own view is more...
You are a fantastic writer...I know you didnt want to "hear" that, but it is a truth I read all the time. So nah.
You have a wonderful sense of humor and take that step back in situations and look it over, flip it...and draw conclusions or not. As I stated...You definitely make me think.
There are days when we all look at our own writing and just wonder...
Depends on what that REAL writing is too, don't you think?
Edgier is good...provokes thoughts and a conversation..

So dont make me hunt you down ;)

Keep plugging along!

kristarella said...

I think I came because you commented on my blog, I stayed, maybe because you keep commenting on my blog, maybe to see how things are with your wife... it broke my heart that you seemed to be doing it so tough in your first year of marriage - I'm glad to hear that those fights were not what life's like all the time, you also have said things that I think are the things you're talking about like your Christmas post was good and pops to mind.
Anyway, I'm not really sure, it can be hard to say what you mean and overcome the fear of getting hammered for it. Good luck, I'll be reading.