Important News: Jeff is going to die.

When I was a child, I thought about death a lot. I was even afraid to go to sleep, because I thought I might never wake up. I also thought that my parents would leave me one day in death and how that would be unbearable. Death was never my friend.

As I got older, my thoughts of death got a little more complicated. I often wondered how and when I would die. Usually, I thought about cancer. Cancer robbed my uncle and aunt of their life when I was a small child. It took my dad on my birthday the summer after my high school graduation. Everytime I had a strange pain, I always wondered if it was cancer.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to know how or when I was going to die. However, the recent news has eliminated that from consideration. I will look to it as a blessing because I know I have a brief time to put things in order. I just wish I would have found out in different manner than I did. I found out in an email of all things. I guess it is appropriate for a blogger. I guess I could have gotten feedback from one of my blog posts instead, but the email is appropriate enough, I guess.

Because I have grown to care about those of you that read my blog, and many of you have come to care about me, I decided to share the bad news email with you:


I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7 pm until I makeout time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact:
Mr.Celestine chuks

There you have it. I thought about taking him up on his offer to help, but decided that I would just assume be shot than have my life "speared." I just hope that any money he gets from other would-be victims will help him with any future "English as a Second Language" classes he undoubtedly needs. You would think a guy with this kind of lucrative business would have a secretary that . . . oh nevermind, I digress.

Well, it was good knowing all of you. If there is a way that we could beat this, I would be all for it. If I could get thousands of emails from my readers to this guy warning him that we have our own militia looking out for "his boys" - and we have stronger weapons than the spears that he touts, maybe that would do something. Nah, probably not.


Sayre said...

I wonder if he is in league with the Nigerian Lottery?

Seriously, though... it's been nice knowing you, Jeff. If that guy shows up with a spear, would you ask him to let you blog one more time so you don't leave us hanging???

Anonymous said...

I agree with Sayre....I'm sure he is part of the Nigerian a-holes. Do you know those people are heroes in their country? We must get at least one email from some poor-English speaking idiot every day, claiming we inherited "USD 1 billion dollars" from some head of state. They suck. What a horrible email to get, though, fake as it is. People who send stuff like that deserve to be dragged into a corner and beaten senseless.
I also agree that you ask that you be allowed to have one last blog...kind of like a last meal!


goddessdivine said...

You seriously got this? Wow. I'm glad you mentioned the writing errors because there were MANY, and I was struggling to get through it. Someone who wants to 'spear' you obviously has psychotic problems anyway.

You should email him back; have some fun.

It's stuff like this that causes me to reflect on how many sick and disturbed individuals this world has. Get a life people....and a job.

It's been nice knowing you Jeff. If your assassin lets you, give us one last post, you know, letting us know how you will be exiting the world.

Anonymous said...

Jeff - It was a brief acquaintance but I enjoyed it. I hope the assassins make your passing as painless as possible.

Have fun in your last few days on earth by spending all your money, eating well, driving fast and telling all the people you dislike exactly what's wrong with them.

Should you survive, and discover who hired the hit-men, tell us his email address and your friends will sign him (or her) up for as much spam as we can find.

Those who are not about to die salute you.


Anonymous said...

Okay, here is what I would do: email him back railing him on his poor command of the english language - but in a way just that makes him look like an idiot, not in an angry way.

I would then go on to say that you have contacted the local police force who has involved the FBI because he has not only threatened your life, but has done so in writing which makes it a federal offense (I'm just making this up as I go). The FBI are utilizing their "cyber crime unit" to trace the email, and, therefore, a knock on his door and an arrest are imminent (I think I may be watching too much NCIS).

What a loser! I can't stand it when people spew that kind of negativity. Ugh!

Well, anyway, hope you have a great weekend!!

Chris said...

Oh wait...sorry, we meant to send that email to your neighbor. Our mistake;)

ha ha

The Real Mother Hen said...

Pls reply, saying that your friend me has already planned to nuke you, for FREE.

In all seriousness, you should go to the police. I would. Just for the fun of it.

Meg said...

Oh great job, Jeff. Now we're all going to die. Didn't you read the part where the killer man said not to tell anyone, or they will be killed? Geez. I guess I'm going to have to finish that iron-walled shelter in my backyard now.

chosha said...

Poor Nigeria cops a bad rap in the spam game. In reality a lot of the emails that say they from a Nigerian don't actually originate from Nigeria.

But on to more important things... Terribly sorry to hear about your impending demise. Thanks for giving us some time to prepare ourselves emotionally. Here's hoping it's quick!

Jodi said...

That e-mail is creepy! Eeuwww!

Delete, delete, delete.


Jeff said...

Thanks for all of your concerns. My wife wanted me to call the police, but please . . .

A. It is a scam spam, what is the local police going to do?


B. It is a SCAM SPAM, why take it so seriously.

It takes a lot to scare me. I remember . . . oh wait . . . there is a shadow in the window! What is that? Oh my gosh I ha_

Charles said...

Wow they are taking those scam emails to a whole new level.

You'd probably get killed by a chain mail for not sending it to 20 people within the next 5 hours, before some carried out that email.