Facebook Discussion Groups: A Survival Guide

As a person who loves to discuss and exchange ideas with folks about important or at least interesting topics, I have drifted into a number of Facebook discussion groups. I don't recommend it. However, if you do decide to wade into the deep, here are Psychosomatic Wit's Rules for a Stepford-ly happy experience:

1. Find out who the administrators are and make every effort to agree with them.  Facebook group administrators have finally found a place of power and they love it.  They look for a chance to wield it. So, in order to remain active in the group, learn to parrot the masters.  As soon as you disagree, you become a troll.  Trolls are not long for this world. If the first two administrators don't get you, the third will knock you off the bridge and make the group the safe echo chamber that it should be.  You are banned!  Which brings us to rule number two:

2. The group isn't REALLY a discussion group, it is an echo chamber.  If you manage to get into a group where the administrators are not megalomaniacs, then it reverts to majority rules. Brace yourself for The Lord of the Flies!  You need to learn to pivot to the side of the majority or become the pig that they strive to kill.  Of course, the Internet translation of "pig" is "troll."  They throw that word around a lot.  If you are dubbed the pig, you get slaughtered.  And if you are a worthy pig, then there are always a few little snitches who run to the administrators with their troll accusations.

3. Finally, learn to use the emoticon buttons.  If an administrator posts something, whether you agree with it or not, "like" it.  The same thing with a post from the majority.  "Like" it! You can always "unlike" it after it gets a little stale and no one will be the wiser.  If you want to be a little bold, you can "like" a comment that disagrees with the company line.  Usually they let that stuff slide - especially if you don't have a track record for being a "stupid troll."  It is these little tricks that MAY allow you to live with yourself as you navigate the group social structure.  It is the same as rubbing zombie guts all over you so as not to be detected by the other zombies (Walking Dead Reference).

Or, you can live on the edge!  Speak your mind and get mocked and ultimately kicked out.  You can wear your expulsion like a badge of honor.  Just knock the dust off or your shoes and move on to the next group.  That is the real test of your convictions.  You get banned, they make sport of you, and you don't feel like you have to have the last word.  Then you know it is about conviction and not pride.  

If you have read this guide and you are wondering what technique is right for you, just close the lid of your laptop or put your phone down.  Go for a walk. Watch the sun set in the west.  Listen to children laughing at the playground. Curl up with a good book (I don't recommend Lord of the Flies).

The point is, life is too short to waste on the narcissistic society of the Facebook discussion scene. 

Now if  you will excuse me, I can see I got three fresh Facebook notices while I have been writing this.  Wait till my politics group gets a hold of this blog post!

Memories of Dad

Today, of course, I am thinking of my father.  He passed away when I was 18 - just six minutes after my birthday expired. Life was crazy then and the whole thing was surreal.  I watched him waste away from cancer the preceding months.  Everyone told me that he waited to pass so he wouldn't foul up my birthday.  I like to think that is true, but who knows?  If so, it was a nice present.

I didn't have the same experience with my dad as my siblings.  They knew a man that was gone a lot. They remember a father who probably drank too much and was prone to be a little scary as a result.  I am glad that isn't my memory.  In my years with dad, he was a nondrinker who made my dinner every night because my mom worked.  He was the guy that took me to every little league game and even coached a little for my team.

Dad was responsible for giving me my first friend of another race.  He helped a black man that he worked with get his son into the little league I was in.  A few times he and I, his friend and son went together to the games and got a bite afterwards.  I thank him for showing me how normal life should be.

My father had a keen since of humor which involved his own vocabulary.  He had names for everything.  He called orange juice, "Simpson," water was sky juice, and because we always tended to leave the vacuum cleaner (the tank kind with the hose), in the hallway as a hazard, Dad called it an automatic tripper.  There were MANY more names he had for stuff, I wish I could remember them all.

Dad loved corn bread and made it practically every day.  I never cared for corn bread as a child, but dad was determined to change that.  He would change up the recipes and add stuff to it just to try to win me over.  I remember one day he took some out of the oven and there were pools of butter on the surface.  He said, "Jeff, take you a bite of this.  I know you'll like it."   I responded, "Dad, you know I don't like corn bread, why do you keep offering it to me?"  His response was, "That's not corn bread; it is buttered corn cake!"

When I was 16, I got into a car accident.  It wasn't my fault - REALLY!  Some guy backed out of a Pizza Hut across three lanes of traffic and hit me.  I was really scared to call my dad.  I don't know why; me being 16, I just thought somehow everyone would figure it was my fault.  My dad showed up and made me believe right away that it was no big deal and it wasn't my fault.  He even fixed the fender in our driveway with his auto body expertise.

Anyway, that is the father I remember.  I am blessed with those memories.  I do miss him more than most people realize.  I miss you, Dad. And dad, I like buttered corn cake now.
 

Something Wrong With Facebook

It has to be talked about. It is taking over our lives!  

What's wrong with Facebook?  How much time do you have?  There are a lot of things that I could talk about.  A lot of people gripe about its internet security issues. I, myself, refuse to download the Facebook message app to my phone because of all the crazy access it wants.

Then there is the whole changing culture thing that it shares with Twitter.  We are so ADD as a species now that if we can't say something in 140 characters  most people won't even mess with us.  I have discussed with friends how that mentality has put a damper on the whole blogging culture.

HEY!!  I am not done yet!!  Bear with me!! I will try to be brief!

No, today I will talk about the whole insipid commands for us to "like something or share something or else" nonsense that we are inundated with.  What is that all about?  " 'Like' this if you are against animal cruelty."  " 'Share' this if you love your mom."  Really?  I can't love my mom or detest animal cruelty if I don't play your game?  I am halfway scared to find someone picketing my house!

It is like being caught up in a Seinfeld episode.  Remember when Kramer didn't want to wear the ribbon on the AIDS walk?

WALKER #1: Hey, where's your ribbon?
KRAMER: Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
WALKER #2: Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?
KRAMER: Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just don't wear the ribbon.
WALKER #3: Who do you think you are?
WALKER #1: Put the ribbon on!
WALKER #2: Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon!
BOB: Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?

It's madness, I tell ya!  But that isn't all of it?  You also have to throw in the personal element.  Your friends lose their minds if you don't "like" or comment on something they put up. "What's wrong, you don't like my cat?" 

I would be tempted to reply, "Yeah, a helluva lot more that I like you right now.  Your cat doesn't have inane expectations of me and define our relationship

with them."

Facebook behavior is so predictable, too.  I can guess about 40% of you are thinking, "If you don't like Facebook, then you don't have to be on it!"  No, I don't  have to, but then how would I know how many people will end up liking this blog post?

I'm Back . . . at School

My name is Jeff and I am a slagger (blog slacker). Now that there is a new year and somewhat of a new me, I am going to give it another go. Things will hopefully be a little different this time around.

I have a few New Year's blog resolutions. One is that I am going to let my sense of humor flow more. I had lost my sense of humor for a while. However, I found it in the wall safe where my wedding picture was hanging. When she took the picture, she left my sense of humor intact. It was just a matter of finding it and reclaiming it. Thanks, dear.

I feel different these days. I laugh . . . a lot. I used to laugh some, but somehow deep in my soul I really knew it was a nervous laugh. The laugh of someone unsure about life, living, love and even laughter. The four l's . . . that wasn't intentional. I just love it when a plan comes together like that.

Are the goings on in my life better now than they were four or five months ago. Nope, not really. In some ways, they are worse. It just doesn't effect me like it used to. I know that a person is not the sum of his circumstances. He is the sum of his make-up. I was made up of rouge for far too long. Now my cheeks have the warm glows of yellows and golds. I hope everyone knows that this is an analogy.

Then there is providence. As God helps me heal and return to a normal guy, He also tells me things I need to know and insists on keeping me accountable. I am not a big fan of His methodology all the time, but I know how valuable it is for Him to keep tapping me as I start to feel a little cocky about healing.

For instance, last night I watched the movie "Hancock". It is really two stories. There is a scene in the first part that rattled my cage a little. It was God reminding me that although healing takes place, the scars will always be there. Scars are not to be ignored; that is why God puts them there forever. That scene and God's prompting will make me a better person.

Lessons . . . school is always in session. Excuse me while I make some spit balls and sharpen my pencils in order to stick them into the ceiling for this afternoon's festivities! Hey, lessons will still be learned, but I am still going to have my devious fun from time to time.

Important News: Jeff is going to die.

When I was a child, I thought about death a lot. I was even afraid to go to sleep, because I thought I might never wake up. I also thought that my parents would leave me one day in death and how that would be unbearable. Death was never my friend.

As I got older, my thoughts of death got a little more complicated. I often wondered how and when I would die. Usually, I thought about cancer. Cancer robbed my uncle and aunt of their life when I was a small child. It took my dad on my birthday the summer after my high school graduation. Everytime I had a strange pain, I always wondered if it was cancer.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to know how or when I was going to die. However, the recent news has eliminated that from consideration. I will look to it as a blessing because I know I have a brief time to put things in order. I just wish I would have found out in different manner than I did. I found out in an email of all things. I guess it is appropriate for a blogger. I guess I could have gotten feedback from one of my blog posts instead, but the email is appropriate enough, I guess.

Because I have grown to care about those of you that read my blog, and many of you have come to care about me, I decided to share the bad news email with you:
___________________________________________

SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7 pm until I makeout time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact:

b.patbulle224@gmail.com
Mr.Celestine chuks
________________________________________________

There you have it. I thought about taking him up on his offer to help, but decided that I would just assume be shot than have my life "speared." I just hope that any money he gets from other would-be victims will help him with any future "English as a Second Language" classes he undoubtedly needs. You would think a guy with this kind of lucrative business would have a secretary that . . . oh nevermind, I digress.

Well, it was good knowing all of you. If there is a way that we could beat this, I would be all for it. If I could get thousands of emails from my readers to this guy warning him that we have our own militia looking out for "his boys" - and we have stronger weapons than the spears that he touts, maybe that would do something. Nah, probably not.

Giuliani Outed

With the primary season underway, I have decided that I have to get busy figuring out who is going to garner my vote. It is a very difficult task. I don't know if it is because there are so many good and worthy candidates, or if there aren't ANY good candidates. So I decided that I would go at it differently.

In my mind, I am going to put all the candidates in a reality show in my head. Each week I am going to eliminate one till there will be one winner. I am not saying I am going to do this process on my blog, but at some point, I will come up with my choice for president.

The first candidate to be eliminated is Rudy Giuliani. Why is this guy even a Republican? He adheres to all the things I don't like about Republicans (running on fear, policies of greed, etc.) and abandons the parts of the party I like (morality and spiritual issues).

However, the clincher for me was discovering who Giuliani REALLY is. As it turns out, he isn't from an Italian family in New York after all. No, he is a NAZI military man from Germany. His real name is Colonel Wilhelm Klink and he ran POW camp Stalag 13 during World War II. Even California Governor Pete Wilson looks like he knew the real truth about RG in the picture above. The 60's television program Hogan's Heroes chronicled his shenanigans.

Don't believe that Giuliani is the Nazi Colonel Klink? See for yourself!

Scary isn't it? Those of you in the states owe me a debt of gratitude now, don't you think? I know Guiliani is taking his blitzkrieg to Florida right now so beware, Sayre!

A Tale of Two Hairdos, Part II.

A while back, I started a two-part post about hairdos. Then life happened and I didn't get to part II. It is funny, but through comments and on email, people have been saying how they are looking forward to part two. Well, if you are one of those people, today is your lucky day. To catch up, you can find Part One here.

MY WIFE'S HAIR

The past number of months, my wife has been on a change kick. She kept finding new things she wanted to change. I am not big on change, myself, on me or on her, but something was going to happen so I braced myself. Keeping my wife the way she was when I really fell for her seemed to be a good strategy to me. She has changed so many personality type things, that all I got is her appearance. Well, not that so much anymore.

My wife had long, beautiful, brown mermaid hair. Funny, the image I included here is not my wife, but it looks kind of like her. My wife generally wears contacts and doesn't have that sour look on her face, but other than that . . . I digress.

First, she wanted to cut her hair off.

NO!!!

Fortunately, she chickened out.

Then, she called me up from her dad's house in Illinois to tell me she had her cartilege pierced (the top part of the ear). She KNEW I didn't want her to do that, but . . .

Then, she started talking about getting a tatoo. I don't want to offend any reader but please . . . Let's just say that tatoos are not something I look for in a woman and leave at that. Somehow, she hasn't got one of those - yet. She doesn't even talk about it anymore, so hopefully, I am out of the woods with it.

A big change was inevitable (for some reason) so the next thing that came down the pike was changing her hair color. Since I know I have to pick my battles, I gave her my blessing (not that she needed it). She wanted to go blonde - not bleach blond, but a medium more realistic blonde. My sister came over and did it for her.

Most people that read me are female so I am not telling them anything new, but hair color is a crap shoot. If you want to get an accurate color before you dye your hair, forget it. It just doesn't work out. I guess there are too many factors.

My wife did NOT want any red in her hair. She believed that strawberry blonde was the worst thing that could happen. You guessed it, it came out strawberryish. Not too bad; I liked it, but that isn't important. She panicked, "It is ORANGE! It is ORANGE!!"

It wasn't orange. It had a slight red tent to it. I liked it - a lot. Stupid me. So at that point, she wanted to get it professionally done. Keep in mind this was in the midst of her unemployment and all the financial woes that come with that - that are still here, by the way, but I digress again.

She was determined, however, so her father who just happened to be in town took her. Seventy dollars later, she shows up with hair that is cut (layered), colored and highlighted. She was estatic! I was, too, because A) she was happy; and B) her dad paid for it.

Here is the kicker, though. I couldn't tell the difference between the strawberry blonde color she hated and this new color she adores. I started to tell her, but fortunately, wisdom got the better of me.

A Tale of Two Hairdos, Part I.

In my absence of blog participation, I did have a little experience concerning hair - both mine and my wife's. I am not sure the best way to describe this, so I will go in chronological order.

MY HAIR

I have had basically the same hairstyle for years. I am a guy and really there isn't a whole lot of choices. I mean, as I get older, the hair is getting a little thinner. This bird's losing feathers every day. So, why should I spend a whole lot of time being too concerned about hairstyle? It just isn't a guy thing - or at least the kind of guy I want to be. ;)

Don't get me wrong; I'm far from bald - not that there is anything wrong with it. I mean, there better not be because I am afraid it is in my future. I have a nice, rich brown hair that is pretty thick on the sides and in the back but it seems that I am growing taller in the middle - not my hair, me! It looks like I am growing up through my hair like a mountain through the clouds. All this means, is that I should just do what I can, avoid the dreaded comb-over, and just enjoy my hair while I have it.

Good plan? Nope, not according to my wife. She wants me to put "stuff" in my hair, "style" it with my hands, and get that "younger" look.

Let's look at these words in quotes one at a time. STUFF - this is some hideous stuff that comes from a jar. I don't know what it is called, but it would be cheaper if I just followed around people with colds and caught their sneezes in this jar, because that is what it looks and feels like (minus the chunks, I guess). However, before I can use this "stuff", I must first put "leave-in" conditioner in my hair. Okay, whatever.

Now for the next word: STYLE - this is really bad nomenclature because her idea of "style" for me, is really what I consider to be "anti-style". I must pull my slimey hair up in all directions so it looks like I just got out of bed - but I guess this bed is more like a bed of lettice with creamy italian dressing already applied. So, I tell my wife, "It looks like bed head when I do that!" She replies, "I think you are sexy in the mornings. Trust me, it is a legitimate hairstyle, and it looks good on you." Okay, whatever.

The final word: YOUNGER - okay so this one is self-explanatory, and I guess I can buy that I look younger when my hair is like this. Why? Because only young'ns with "greasy kid stuff" use that junk in their hair, except for the occasional mob bosses that do the slimey comb-back thing. Plus, only kids leave the house combless, straight from bed. So there you have it!

It is important to my wife that I look younger because of our age difference. I don't mind looking younger myself if I could, but I am not sure this is the best way to go about it.

You want to see a picture? LOL, not on your life. It is bad enough that I have to try to command a little more respect around the office with my new hair-don't. I don't need to spread that kind of mess into the blogosphere on top of it.

So why do I do it? Let's face it, with my marriage, I have to pick my battles. My wife is the one that has to look at my hair. I avoid mirrors like the plague. If it makes her happy,- if anything can, I can do my part.

Next time, my wife's tale of the hair. Stay tuned.

Wednesday's Whys

On occasion, I will post questions that I ponder about life and observations. I started this a while back and called it "Wednesday Whys". I think this is the third one I have done, but I don't do it enough to number it like I do NEWSFLASH. If you have the answers, please share:

1. Why do cowboys in the movies and TV wear vests? Have you noticed this? You show me Hoss Cartwright, and I will show you a big, brown vest. Ah, but it isn't only Hoss or his Bonanza bretheren. No, it is Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke, and John Wayne in any of the movies he performed in. Did cowboys really wear vests? Why would they? What would be the advantage in the hot sun of the American west to add leather to the thoracic heat already generated from cotton and the desert sun? Why would anyone wear a vest for any reason, for that matter?

2. Why is it that all the spam scams involving someone signing over a money to get tons and tons of more money center in the UK or in Africa? Now, I don't know if they REALLY do, but that is the claim. Is it that the UK sounds proper as in no one would con someone in the UK; they are just too bloody proper with their queen and tea and "too cool" accent. Is Africa so mysterious, that "anything can happen there" so maybe this outlandish desperation of the need to hide wealth that they would contact some stranger in America is somewhat believable? Is there ANYONE left that hasn't heard of this scam by now? Why do I still get these things daily?

3. Speaking of email, how do all these people get my email address - not the made up ones that I expect spam from, but my real, IPS sourced one? Why isn't there a central database that a person can go to in order to find out what company they trusted made money by selling his information so scum artists can bog his inbox down in hopes to swindle him out of money? That would put a stop to it, don't you think?

4. Blogs. Why is it that people come and go from blogs so easy? I start reading someone - get to know them, and the next thing you know the blog is erased. I understand that people go through trials and take time away from blogs, but to just erase them without warning seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? People have no idea how their rash actions affect other people.

NEWS FLASH #7

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:


News (or current events)
Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)
Work (thoughts on the job or employer)
Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)
Family (or friends)
Love
Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)
Sports (also considered should be contests, reality tv, recreation, cards, games), and
Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.

___________________________________________________________________

NEWS - There is still trouble with getting President Bush to come in line with what the American people (and everywhere else for that matter) want in regards to Iraq. What a legacy he is going to have. After starting his presidency akin to a hero, many (some even neutral) consider him one of the worst presidents that ever came down the pike. Pity.

ENTERTAINMENT - I have been catching up on all the America's Next Top Model programs when they run marathon-style on MTV. I know many may wonder how I got into that, look under the "LOVE" aspect of this NEWSFLASH. Anyway, what I have gathered is that Tyra Banks is WAY too full of herself. The contestants go live in a house that is over-saturated with Tyra pictures. Tyra becomes photographer in one part of the series, and every time the contestants get a message from the show, they get "Tyra Mail". Please. I am pretty Tyra'd of the whole self absorbancy thing.

WORK - I recently got my COLA (cost of living adjustment) raise. I needed that, as you know. Now I am gearing up for the next big meeting of my commission which is next week. I am finding that there are a lot of anal cavities in positions of managment in this part of the state recently.

SPIRIT - I had an interesting experience at church yesterday. First of all, the worship part of the service was led by an up and coming band from San Antonio Texas called Abandon. After that, the pastor got up and started his message. It was about being humble before God. He related a story about himself where he recently failed. He then got touched, confessed to God and kind of broke down. After composing himself, he stopped the message and asked Abandon to come back up and play the rest of the service out. It was a very unique experience to see God touch someone like that in front of the whole congregation. Abandon was very cooperative and understanding. The lead singer recognized the presence of the Spirit here when he announced that we are "REALLY having church here today."

FAMILY - There isn't too much to report in this area. Everything seems to be stable at the moment. I am planning to attend my family reunion this weekend (busy week since my birthday is this week, also). I am optimistic that my wife is going with me. She has been sick, though, and I am taking her to the doctor soon.

LOVE - This is the one that purtains to the Tyra Banks quip above. My wife is into the fashion thing as I mentioned before in this blog. She takes a lot of magazines and one of her programs is America's Next Top Model. I have looked throught the magazines and forced myself to get interested in the program because I feel it is important to TRY to do that for the person you love - to show that you have a genuine interest in them and what they like. I think if a person is open-minded, he/she can get interested in anything if they try. I owe my wife the interest I have in Jane Austen novels, for heaven's sake. Unfortunately, my dear wife doesn't reciprocate this 'open-mindedness'. It would be huge for me if she could get interested in my sports teams, western movies, or even Star Trek which I secretly enjoy (not so much of a secret now, apparently). I have mentioned this to her quite a few times, but no dice. However, I will STILL continue to share her interests with her because it is the right thing to do. Besides, maybe someday it just might rub off on her.

ANXIETY - I need to sell my house. This is a recording.

SPORTS - Thank God, football training camps are getting ready to start. My last place baseball team (The Reds) are killing my spirit. I was also asked by a friend to give him some pointers on drilling a major college basketball player for her summer workouts. Drawing on my experience with coaching, I did just that last week. This friend also wants the two of us to coach some sort of team this year. We'll see. In the meantime, I am suppose to help another friend coach youth football. Busy, busy.

HOME - The air conditioning is out at my mother's house. She doesn't mind much, but I worry about her. With my wife not working, it isn't easy to get something major repaired. My sisters and I are working on it, though. I swear, cutting three large lawns a week is taking its toll on me. I am exhausted and I have to cut more today. It is hot and humid. Not cool (pun intended).

That's it for another week. I have a few blogs to catch up on so look for me at your place.

Playing Tag

I have been tagged by Loz from "Midlife, A Journey" with a meme called "Into the Spotlight". The meme originated with Christy at "Christy’s Coffee Break" and the rules for the meme can be found here. There is a series of questions. You may choose to answer any or all. This is the tag I was looking for in a previous post. Thanks Loz, for thinking of me. Hopefully, you will get a chuckle out of it.

When did you start blogging?

When I was about 12 years old, I found a paperback book that evidently belonged to my 19-year-old brother. This book described in detail a lonely woman’s life and what she did to ease her lonliness. It made Jeff, the adolescent, feel . . . well . . . a little funny - and he experienced emotions and drives he never felt before. Well, one thing led to another and . . .
Funny thing is that I never heard it referred to as “blogging” before. Oh well, this wacky 21st Century with new names for this and that. What are you gonna do?

What do you hope to accomplish with your blog?

I hope to have kids some day.

What are your feelings on the "blog popularity" issue?

I don’t know. I am not really an orgy guy. As Seinfeld said, I don’t want wear the robes and get into all the oils and stuff.

What's your favorite childhood memory?

See first question.

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you want to have with you?

1. I would want to have a bottle opener. I have to be able read my mail, you know.

2. I would say a boat, but I probably would get pretty sick of the whole water recreation life being on an island and all, that I would get bored with it pretty quickly. So, with that in mind, maybe a pinball machine (solar powered – I’m not stupid).

3. I kind of would like to have a potted plant. No wait, there will probably be all kinds of plants there, so . . . WAIT! There wouldn’t be any pots. So yeah, a pot to put one of the plants in.

That’s it. I don’t want much, really

What is the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?

One time I was running late for an appointment. I thought that unless I make all the traffic lights “green”, I would be late. As it turned out, I made all the lights “green” (except for one), and I made the appointment on time. Can you believe it?

What is your best quality?

I can juggle. I learned how from this buddy in college who wanted me to start out juggling scarves. I didn’t like that so I just worked on juggling balls (they look like hacky sacks). I got to be pretty good at it, but never tried chainsaws.

What is your worst quality?

I tend to brag too much about being able to juggle. I go on and on about it. You guys are probably just sick of it by now.
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The rules of this meme stated I could answer these questions anyway I wanted to. I chose quirky humor. I hope you “get it”. As far as tagging, nah. All of you are optionally tagged.

Thursday Thirteen #13 - A Lost Art

Thirteen Reasons I have lost my sense of humor

1. I lose everything. Have you seen my keys?

2. There is nothing funny about marriage unless it is someone else’s.

3. It was in my mind when I lost IT (i.e. my mind).

4. I thought I saw it last in my car (you should see my car).

5. Even worse, it might have been in the trunk.

6. I confused the humerOUS with the fibia and now I have an extra leg (I know, it makes its own joke).

7. I thought I was only allowed five so I opted for the sense of smell instead.

8. I was too distracted by spam to notice it was missing.

9. Today’s TV shows poisoned it out of me.

10. I have been reading all YOUR blogs and succumbed to peer pressure.

11. My dog ate it (my teachers never bought that one either).

12. I sold it to the Dutch for some beads.

13. It isn’t lost, just misplaced.

I am wondering if anyone got all thirteen of these. I kind of doubt it. This blog isn’t called “Psychosomatic Wit” nothing.

A New Diet?

As most of you know, I am still on a quest to lose weight and get back into shape. Next week I am going to start the weight training again. I had to take a break from it in the winter because my "gym" is in the garage. Hands on metal at 15 degrees at 5 o'clock in the morning just wasn't something I was willing to do. Call me "undisciplined".

Now it is spring and I am ready to go full force. I am even considering the new "Purina" diet. Haven't heard of it? Well, this is what my wife sent me in email:



Purina Diet

I have a couple of dogs and was buying several bags of Purina at Wal-Mart.
While I was waiting in line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On
impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time! But,
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive Care Ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you felt hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So I was
going to give it another try. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the check out line was by now enthralled with my story,
especially a tall heavy man behind her.

Horrified, she asked why had I ended up in the hospital? Had I been
poisoned? I told her no; I'd been sitting in the middle of the street
licking myself and a car hit me!! The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of
the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter!

I paid for the Purina and left a lot of smiles behind me!
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I hope this post brought a smile to your face as did the email my wife sent me.