Cryptic, Don't Bother

Sometimes when life is happening, it is hard to put down in words what you are thinking. It is far easier for me to pace across the floor speaking into a recorder than to try to pound out on a keyboard something that has some sense to it. I don't record, though, because I am lazy and it would make me feel foolish.

I find myself now in a particular place. I am miserable and can't eat. I have talked about "it" with a couple of family members and one or two friends. Still, there is no use. I would feel better if I COULD blog about it, but I can't on many levels. Instead I MUST blog about it in code to God.

What a concept! I blog (not write a private prayer letter in Word) to God on the public net. It makes no sense, yet I feel compelled to do it. I don't know why.

One issue turns into another and another. Doors that have never been open before are now opened, but they are not meant to be used. Personally, I stay away from the doors, but everyone doesn't have that same conviction. Instead, I am at the mercy of another who threw the door open and from a particular perspective, believe that it can be seen, green grass.

What will it take? Pain. Pain that I can't ignore and shouldn't. To avoid the pain would deprive me of what I need to see - need to learn. Yet, just to let Edith Keeler die without trying to lift a finger to help takes great faith in fate.

What it all boils down to is faith and surrender. The ebbs of time are flowing no matter whether I try to swim against the current or inexasperation yield my body over to the stream, bashing my head on rocks along the way.

Somewhere in what only appears to be the vast wilderness is a path that will lead to where I am destined to go. When I get there, battered and bloody, I will eventually walk that path in dry clothes.


Stepping Over the Junk said...

You have to feel the pain when it comes. It sucks, but you just have to. Sometimes it is hard to get calm enough through the pain so you can hear what you are needing to learn or use to get through whatever you are going through.

Just think, when whatever this is subsides or goes away, imagine the growth...and hopefully how great things may end up being compared to now. I hope you are okay.

Loz said...

There are times when even happiness is painful. There are times when there is absolutely no concept of why things feel like crap, or times when you feel guilty about feeling bad because things really weren't so bad they should be so painful.

The thing I am learning through my journey is that pain at least can trigger growth of self.

Good luck with the journey.

Jeff said...

Stepping Over: Exactly. Thank you.

Loz: It's true. Without pain, there is no growth. Lest, we never gain the wisdom that we need to help other along their journey.

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

Jeff - it's good to see that you're still writing. keep at it.

By the way, I'll be changing my blog to 'private'. I'd love for you to still be able to access it, should you want to.

If you want, you can leave your email adress on the comments and I'll be sure to include yours to the "approved" readers list.

If not, take care, blog buddy.


kimber said...

I hope the pain of your journey is matched with joy upon the arrival at your destination.... best wishes to you in these dark times.

Amel said...

Surrendering to God is NOT easy at all. I've always been the one who doesn't want to lose control of everything, but there were times that I was forced to let go of the steering wheel as there was nothing I could do. And even though I were bruised and battered along the way those few times I had to let go, the victory and enlightenment that came afterwards were worth it!!!

Anyway, as what one of my friends always tell me, "If you can't see God's hands, trust His heart."

God bless you and may you come out stronger, whatever you're facing. :-))))

Sayre said...

If you will remember, no one stood by and let Edith die. One tried desperately to save her. The other wanted to, but knew the fate of the world meant she had to die. Sometimes, doing what has to be done is so much harder than you think it will be. Or should be.

I think blogging to God is an interesting concept. If you believe that God is a collective of conciousness, the internet may be the exact medium for this kind of "prayer".

I hope things get better for you soon, Jeff!

Chris said...

Jeff - You know I don't speak of my spritual life, mostly because I would feel hypocritical since I don't practice my faith the way I was raised anymore.

But one of the things I always remember was that God ALWAYS answers prayers, it's just that sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear, so we keep asking again.

It sounds like you are wrestling with a decision over temptation of sorts. Just last night I watched my DVD of Andy Andrews : 7 Decisions. If you don't know him or haven't seen it, I strongly recommend picking up a copy. Anyway, in the Q and A session at the end, an audience member pointed out that Andy had such a hard life growing up but seemed to have everything going for him now.

Andy corrected him by pointing out that just before the DVD was made, his family lost their house to Hurricane Ivan. Andy talked about the saying that God will not allow you to suffer anything that you can't bear and then added, "I'd like to talk to him about that someday." and the crowd just erupted in laughter.

If it IS a decision that you are writing about, just don't let yourself get to the point where you KNOW what the right choice is but don't make it because 1) you are afraid, 2) it's not what you WANT to do or 3) it is going to hurt.

If I'm way off, just forget this rambling:)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!
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Anonymous said...


There's some really great advice in these comments. Oddly, I too am in the middle of one of the most difficult situations I could imagine in my life. ...and although I have alluded to "a problem" in my blog, I feel too fragile to write about it just yet.

My situation is difficult because it flies in the face of who I want to be - who I've worked so hard to be. But I'm discovering that in order to get to that place, I am indeed going to have to surrender, and know that it is going to take a very long time to get back to where I began. ...and it's difficult as hell. Take care of yourself.


Anonymous said...

I think anyway that you can find to talk to God is good. Just this morning I came across a quote that rang true for me,
"The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him." ~ William McGill

And something else that I just can't excape,
3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Rom 5

As much as I'm one to wallow in my despair, essentially what must bring me through is hope that will not put me to shame but when actualised will see me in my immortal body giving glory to God as he dwells with us. Until then what else is there to do but endure?

Jeff said...

It is funny, I make a post that is titled, "Cryptic, don't bother" and so many people "bother" anyway (and I mean "bother" in a good way not the bothersome way). Thanks, everyone, for caring.

Michelle: Thanks for the invite. I will send you my email address.

Kimber: Thanks. There is another side, it is just a long trip apparently.

Amel: Thanks. I have that in common with you - not wanting to lose control. God forces us to for our own good.

Sayre: Edith had to die and they had to let her. Facing that scenario was probably the toughest thing that Jim had to face. I feel that.

Chris: Thanks for your thoughts. You aren't WAY off, there are a lot of principles there that apply.

BTW - I don't think that is hypocritical to be and express spiritual things just because you don't practice the religion of your youth. God doesn't belong to a denomination, but He is still connected to you regardless of your particular journey.

Stephanie: Everytime I read something from you, I get a confirmation of just how much we have in common. I will pray that you come out of your journey in God's best scenario for you.

Kristarella: Great reminders. Sometimes, it is hard to realize that we are merely stuck in the matrix.

Sayre said...

I suppose that what I mean is that Jim ACTIVELY let her die. He held Bones back - as hard as that was to do.

Doing something is active. Deciding to not do something is also active. It is very hard to actually be passive when it's something you care about. Even when you CHOOSE to do nothing. I think that's what I was getting at.

Jeff said...

Sayre: I think we agree. I was reading our comments and couldn't really find anything you said that I disagreed with. The point I was making is that it took great faith that letting Edith die was the right decision (it was contrary to every nature Jim had and it hurt like hell). I think we both agree that it is very hard. Thanks for caring about this.