Psychosomatic Wit: self examination

Showing posts with label self examination. Show all posts

The Hallmark Life

The last of the Hallmark Christmas Movies has just ended. For the sappy among us, they take us down a road of warm family and friends, a challenge, a Christmas miracle, a true love discovered, and a happy ending.

It can be quite the wonderful experience, watching these feel good movies. Do you ever have a Hallmark tale in your life? I don't. I am not sure other people do. Perhaps there are exceptions that prove the rule, but sometimes rainbows show up after rains. That doesn't mean we live on a planet of constant rainbows.

Perhaps why the dreamers among us are so attracted to these movies is because we don't have stories like those in our own lives. We live vicariously through the actors on the screen - not ever entertaining the thought that those actors leave the stage and return to their real lives absent of the magic they left on the sound stage. They are just like us, just more visible - I'm pretty sure.

Why do these stories exist? We don't live these stories. I think I just answered my own question.

People write these stories because they need them. Sitting at their laptops, they can control the narrative. They want that for their lives so they make them come to life on page and screen. We all go for the ride because we, too, need them.

It is 2018 today. Write your own Hallmark script this year and then LIVE IT!

Can We Be Unoffendable?

If you just look at the title of Brant Hansen's Unoffendable- How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better, it appears to be another self help book designed to teach the reader how to develop a tough skin. That assumption couldn't be further from the truth.

The book is written from a Christian point of view, but even skeptics will be able to get something out of this book and enjoy it in the process. Hansen isn't preachy or teachy. He doesn't even come off as an expert on the subject. In fact, each page is laced with humility which is very appropriate for the subject matter because through the pages, we discover how important humility is in being unoffendable.

The author exposes “righteous anger” for what it is, problematic and even an illusion.

I used to think it was incumbent upon a Christian to take offense. I now think we should be the most refreshingly unoffendable people on a planet that seems to spin on an axis of offense.

Forfeiting our right to anger makes us deny ourselves, and makes us others-centered. When we start living this way, it changes everything.

Hansen chides those that want to cherry-pick scriptures justifying their anger and has a firm answer to them, but of course he does it without taking offense.

The unoffendable message is given to the reader packed with humorous and heart touching stories told in Hansen’s quirky, but charming way. He draws on Christian authors and artists and isn’t shy about picking on evangelical culture, as much as he does himself.

I have to admit that I was skeptical about the book going into it. Sure, I bought into the premise - which perhaps puts me a step ahead of the crusaders in our midst, but I wasn’t sure about the pragmatic quality of the thesis. In other words, while I agree anger and offense aren’t good ideas on many levels, there doesn’t seem to be a choice in the matter for most of us. I thought of it as a traveler going down the road looking for Unoffendable City. If he stops at a local filling station to ask for directions, he would probably get the unhelpful response, “Sorry, buddy, but you just can’t get there from here.”

Hansen agrees with me AND also disagrees:

And while I thought the ideal of choosing to be “unoffendable” was ludicrous, I’ve tried it. And I'm not perfect at it, but I’m much, much better than I used to be. I just let stuff go. I go into situations thinking, I’m not going to be offended. No matter what.

What I found out as I approached the end of the book was that Brant Hansen is right. I was not as prone to be offended in my daily life as I was before reading. Sure, I had times where the gut reaction of offense wanted to surface, but from reading the book being unoffendable wasn't quite as difficult as it was before and will probably get even easier day by day unless I turn loose of the concept. I do not plan to do that because I prefer peace in my life rather than strife.

I whole-heartedly recommend Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. Although it helped me a great deal, it doesn’t come off as a self-help book. It is more like a memoir or an amusing conversation with an interesting friend at a coffee shop. It was so enjoyable that I was always ready for another cup.

Why Movies Make Us Cry

First things, first - I have confessions to make. Sure, I haven't been here for a while. Yes, I know because of that, I am talking to myself. Finally, this particular blog post is somewhat of a revisit. I addressed this before, but I got to thinking about it again. Living alone, sometimes all I have are movies and songs to make me cry. Maybe that's a good thing.

Those of you who have read much of my blog know that I am a spiritual kind of guy. I think most questions in life have a spiritual component. This one ESPECIALLY does. I could be wrong about it; I'm no expert (on anything, for that matter). Feel free to disagree without consequence. But here is the reason movies, songs, books, etc. make us cry, as far as I see it:

I think it is a matter of communication and a reset of the soul. Life is difficult. We witness the hardness of the world on a daily basis; we see our soldiers dying in Afghanistan, car crashes that kill mothers and their babies, etc. We just can't stop and feel for these things all the time at the moment it intrudes into our brains. We have become calloused for survival's sake. Oh sure, every now and then it stops us in our tracks and touches us if the tragedy is particularly powerful or we are having a vulnerable moment, but for the most part, we simply do not have time to stop and cry over every tragedy and/or touching news story.

Movies, music, books, etc. grab us when we are not as busy. We are relaxed and have our emotional guards down. Our minds and souls get real with us and reset our emotions. It reminds us that we are feeling, compassionate beings. Without this outlet, I believe that compassion would wane altogether and the world would spin violently out of control.

What about the non-tragedy tears - the "tears of joy" phenomenon? I believe it is the same principle, different stimuli. The most significant part of the soul is the part that connects with other souls. There is something that transcends known science here that deeply effects our well being. We need to care about others. We need to feel connected to others in life, love and loss, dreams reached or shattered. Our humanity depends on it.

I believe God made us this way for our own survival and to remind us that there is something bigger than our own life and circumstance. It is mind-blowing when considering that there is something "unreal" by physical life standards that has more power than our current physical life state. It is this type of illogical emotion that humbles us and forces us to admit there is something bigger going on inside. The fact that there is something bigger than life makes us admit the possibility that something will ALWAYS be bigger than life - even when life as we know it ceases for us.

Admittedly, we often find a connection with fiction to our own lives and dreams that can prompt emotion. It is the attention getter. However, it is still fiction and we have our own lives to deal with. Yet, here it is - the passion, the tears, and the connection to the One big Mystery that created us this illogical way.

I'm Back . . . at School

My name is Jeff and I am a slagger (blog slacker). Now that there is a new year and somewhat of a new me, I am going to give it another go. Things will hopefully be a little different this time around.

I have a few New Year's blog resolutions. One is that I am going to let my sense of humor flow more. I had lost my sense of humor for a while. However, I found it in the wall safe where my wedding picture was hanging. When she took the picture, she left my sense of humor intact. It was just a matter of finding it and reclaiming it. Thanks, dear.

I feel different these days. I laugh . . . a lot. I used to laugh some, but somehow deep in my soul I really knew it was a nervous laugh. The laugh of someone unsure about life, living, love and even laughter. The four l's . . . that wasn't intentional. I just love it when a plan comes together like that.

Are the goings on in my life better now than they were four or five months ago. Nope, not really. In some ways, they are worse. It just doesn't effect me like it used to. I know that a person is not the sum of his circumstances. He is the sum of his make-up. I was made up of rouge for far too long. Now my cheeks have the warm glows of yellows and golds. I hope everyone knows that this is an analogy.

Then there is providence. As God helps me heal and return to a normal guy, He also tells me things I need to know and insists on keeping me accountable. I am not a big fan of His methodology all the time, but I know how valuable it is for Him to keep tapping me as I start to feel a little cocky about healing.

For instance, last night I watched the movie "Hancock". It is really two stories. There is a scene in the first part that rattled my cage a little. It was God reminding me that although healing takes place, the scars will always be there. Scars are not to be ignored; that is why God puts them there forever. That scene and God's prompting will make me a better person.

Lessons . . . school is always in session. Excuse me while I make some spit balls and sharpen my pencils in order to stick them into the ceiling for this afternoon's festivities! Hey, lessons will still be learned, but I am still going to have my devious fun from time to time.

Birthday Blues

Guess who's birthday it is today? Think I feel much like celebrating? My life feels like it is a bad serial in the comic book pages. You know, the ones where you have to read little tidbits everyday to find out what drama happens in the lives of two-dimensional, black-and-white characters. That is how I feel today especially - flat, colorless, and quickly yesterday's news. Yes, I hate feeling sorry for myself and if I had one more ounce of strength, I would have realized this more fully and not have written anything at all. But I don't and apathy has set in as far as what anyone thinks of me today - well almost.

Summer, particularly around my birthday, hasn't had the best track record for me. For one thing, my father died on my birthday when I was 18. I had just graduated high school and was preparing to go away to college when he succumbed to cancer. He died at 12:06 a.m. on July 19. My birthday is the 18th.

My family said that somehow he knew and was holding on and did not want to die on my
birthday so he held out as long as he could. I guess he made it. After the calendar struck 19, he slipped away. I remember getting the call. I wasn't at the hospital, I had just left for the evening. I didn't have to hear the news, all I needed to hear was the sobbing from my sister. I knew. I expected it, yet I didn't. I hadn't gone to bed, hadn't slept, so it still felt like it was my birthday. However, there is some comfort in believing that he held out for me - whether it is actually true or not. God surely had His hand in it, though.

Another birthday disaster was one of my best friends told me that she wanted no more to do with me. That has been too many years to mention, but it still haunts me. There really wasn't much of reason for it, it was just something that someone told her to do. It was on my birthday and I had a few people in the office where I worked in there at the time I read her note. My co-workers were there with cake and punch while my heart was breaking. I had to work 13 hours that birthday. Yet, I kept on a smile through the whole thing - secretly wanting them to leave me alone.

Still another bad birthday was when I was having a bad time generally, like this year. I felt insignificant and turned to my girlfriend at the time for comfort. Her family had just left the area because her dad got a new job in another state. Well, to deal with my neurosis, she told me how significant I was to her. She said that I was the only reason she was still there. Otherwise, she would have left with her family. That kind of snapped me out of it.

Why is that a bad memory you ask? It was only a short time later that she left me for some guy she met on the internet. Now the memory of her life-infusing speech on my birthday just mocks me as I try to get past yet another one.

Some of you were here when I wrote about the birthday I spent standing in a hospital room wondering if my mother was going to make it. You can read about that one here.

However, of all the bad birthdays, this one takes the (birthday) cake. It starts out with my wife going out of town, spending the weekend with another man, and ends with me contemplating the unrealized goals that make my birthday even harder to bear as I get
farther away from my actual date of birth and longer in the teeth.

Supreme Court Jesters, Hell's Kitchen, and the Bush Economy

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:

News (or current events)
Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)
Writing (thoughts on the blog(s) or other writing projects)
Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)
Family (or friends)
Love
Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)
Sports (also considered should be contests, reality TV, recreation, cards, games), and
Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.
___________________________________________________________________

NEWS - So much I could talk about . . . The Supreme Court is 0-2 this week in common sense rulings. First, the Court decides that the death penalty cannot be used in sentencing for people who rape children. Personally, I am not in favor of the death penalty at all, playing a vengeful God in the age of Grace is not something that I think is a good idea. However, if the death penalty is going to exist, I see no reason that the states cannot decide to use it for such a heinous crime such as this. The Supreme Court decided that capital punishment, in this instance, is cruel and unusual. Uhm . . . okay. So what did the Court do for an encore? It decided that a thirty-plus year law that banned handguns in Washington D.C. is unconstitutional. Back in March, I told Psycho Land (my pet name for those of you who read this mess) that we could look for the Supreme Court to rule on the gun control issue. For a refresher course, please read my post: Second (2nd) Amendment Right or Myth - particularly the comment section. In that post, I predicted the Supreme Court would take the view they did. I asked then and would like to ask the five justices that decided to strike down this law (it was a narrow 5-4 decision), "Why does the Second Amendment include the precursor, 'A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State'" As I prepare this post, I am hearing Bill O'Reilly on his show on Fox News make fun of the dissenters because, and I quote him, "There are no militias!" My point exactly, Bill, you pin head!"

ENTERTAINMENT - Somehow, I got into this whole Hell's Kitchen show. If someone described the show to me, I would say that I would never watch it. It is a group of people competing to be head chef for a "Bobby Knight-type" chef celebrity. Somehow, it fascinates me. I guess wherever there are nice people competing against hateful people for something special, I will end up watching it. The finale is next week and it is comprised of two good people. Who says nice guys finish last? So far the most recent Big Brother and now Hell's Kitchen, the good guys are finally winning. By the way, Big Brother 10 will premier July 13, on CBS. Try watching it this time!

WRITING - This section was once the "WORK" section. Ironically, my work is stopping me from writing. Notice how late this post is. There is a lot of discriminating going on out there today. I guess I will always have job security.

SPIRIT - I have been getting a lot of "signs" lately. I am not a big believer in signs, really though. I think any real evil forces can be in disguise while authoring these good and uncanny things we interpret as signs. This could push one in a particularly harmful direction as easily as God show them blessings. Not many of us can discern the difference. Dangerous.

FAMILY - Things are getting straightened out with my family. My sister is just a few short weeks of having an income for the first time in years with her Social Security Disability getting ready to kick in. My other sister (with MS) is getting out of the nursing home and getting back into her own apartment. She will probably be getting into an assisted living facility in the near future, but it is a nice place and a huge step above the nursing home she has been in for the past number of weeks. My wife told someone in my presence how blown away she is about the family she married into. Everyone helps everyone else and was so welcoming to her the first minute she met them. She admitted that it would not have been the case in her family. She gets these brief "insights" to my family, but she hasn't internalized them yet. I am not sure she is ready to "give" in that manner yet, although she has graciously received.

LOVE - Things are pretty level. I have been apologizing a lot to her lately and she has been receptive. It makes me realize a few things about our relationship. One thing that I have gleaned, and I am risking the appearance of arrogance here, is that I have been on the right side of issues for the most part in our troubles. I didn't know for sure, because it is hard to analyze self pride. We always want to be right, don't we? Being wrong points out personal flaws and self examination, which is too painful for most folks. With that in mind, I always entertained the idea that I may be mostly at fault with our past problems. However, I have had no problem analyzing my own actions lately and realizing that I will admit when I fall short. I guess it really doesn't matter what has happened in the past - with assigning blame and such. We are building the future.

ANXIETY - The economy is the thing that is stressing me out the most. Gas prices are through the roof and it is causing everything else to inflate because it is all tied to transportation. In addition, Bush's War has bankrupted us to the point we are weaker country in every way imaginable because of it.

What magnifies my concerns even more is that my wife and I are trying to buy a home. It is going to be tight no matter what the state the economy is in, but I am afraid it is going to be too much to handle if it gets worse - and I think that it Will get worse. Unemployment, one of the Bush administrations most recent "bragging points" - and I use the term loosely, has been on the rise. Consumer confidence is down also. Even though I think the next administration will be more capable than the eight years of hell we have just endured, I still think the economy may be too bad to be saved - especially in the short term. Really, all that can be done is to raise interest rates or continue to lower them short of a total overhaul. If they raise interest rates, it would slow the economy down, cause less demand for production and further increase unemployment. It would also hurt those in debt - which is nearly all of us. If they lower interest rates further, than the dollar loses even more value and prices continue to climb. It is a lose - lose situation. What a great time to be in the oil business or have oil interests, eh Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney?

SPORTS - Who really cares at this point, no? Sports interests are in a drought now that basketball is over and football is yet to start. Baseball season lasts so long that anything that happens at any given time is not very significant.

HOME - As I mentioned earlier, I am trying to buy a home. I have already been approved for the mortgage, but that doesn't mean I should accept it. Of course, my wife has a hard time letting the financial drawbacks influence her desire to have this house we have found. It is quite a nice house, I must say. Had my wife not quit her full-time job, it would be much easier to swing it. BUT SHE DID. I have two other houses that must be sold, too, which will not be easy in this economy. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, being single may not be all that bad.

Do We Really Care?

A couple of weeks ago, I informed anyone who would "listen" that I would express my opinion on any topic that they desired. I did get some requests via email. Not long after that, drama ensued in my life leaving this little exercise on the back burner. However, me being the honor-my-commitments kind of guy, I am going to deal with one of them today. Since this request came via email, I can only assume that the sender wanted to remain anonymous. So he/she shall be in this post also.

The question of the day is: Do people STILL care about others today in this morally depraved world?

This question assumes that people, for the most part, did care for others and now there is not enough evidence to take that concept as a given. I am not prepared to concede that given, but I can leave that argument for another time (or you can draw your own conclusions based on this response).

One interesting thing about principles and rules is that there are always exceptions. Some even argue that the exception proves the rule. Thank God there may be exceptions to the rule I have discovered about caring people. There are some caring people out there; there must be! However, truly it is a rare thing. Often times, we read in the paper where someone did a very giving thing and helped out his fellow man at personal cost or inconvenience. It makes it in the paper or on the television news because it is unusual. If it weren't, it would be commonplace and hardly newsworthy. Because it makes it into the media, we have the reaction of, "see, there ARE good people in the world!" Alas, I must conclude, however, that the exception proves the rule - that rule being: For the most part, people do NOT really care about others.

Sure, people say they care. They may even believe, at some level, that they do care about others. We know, that talk is cheap and only by our actions can we really discover how caring we are. True active care and compassion just doesn't happen with much regularity. It takes a great deal of strength to put stated compassion into action. However, we are not as strong as we think we are. There have been many studies done on this. ABC's Primetime Live and/or 20/20 has shown hidden camera reports how most people ignore or avoid situations where perhaps God or even good morality would convict them to help a fellow human. People just don't want to put themselves out or risk their own safety to help others. No one is willing to sacrifice. They just can't get involved in something that won't benefit them in some way, much less, set themselves back. It just isn't done.

We are greedy. Oh, it isn't totally our fault, we grow up in a system that rewards greed - in fact, it glorifies it. Many believe that capitalism is a system sent by God. However, all it is really is dressed up greed. Today, it runs amok. Let the market decide! Well, the market decided that Walmart is our goods god, and Mom and Pop stores aren't worth our time or money. Guess what? Mom and Pop are humans trying to get by in this world. Who cares? We aren't going to pay an extra quarter to Mom and Pop as long as the Walton family has anything to say about it by offering "lower prices, everyday. Find us right next to the general store with the boarded up windows" No sacrifice. Greed. Greed by the Waltons. Greed by the consumer.

However, we cannot blame the Waltons nor our bad neighbors that won't patronize Mom and Pop anymore. We can't because greed is a disease. It permeates all of us. It is all we know and it is the consequence of a fallen world. We have to look out for Number One, don't we? Of course, we do! No one else will because of their own greed. We are forced to be greedy or risk ending up like Mom and Pop.

There are also other things that add to our selfishness. Fifteen percent of our population either suffers from depression now or has at some point in their lives. Depression is a selfish disease of the soul - the heart of what we are. When a person is in depression mode, they care nothing about nor even realize the needs of the people around them. If the depression does not act as a contageon (which often times it does), the selfishness that bathes in it will certainly be contageous - if for no other reason for suvival reasons. Depression is another result of the fall of mankind.

The opposite of greed and selfishness is sacrifice. We just don't. The world calls us foolish for sacrificing for others. The golden rule today isn't, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." No, it is do unto others FIRST, before they have a chance to do unto you." Make sure you get yours. Of course, some do sacrifice for others - their time, even money. However, often times it is a calculated move. Do you think that big corporations give to needy causes because they are good? Nope. They give because it looks good for them. That money comes straight out of their marketing budget. Plus, they get tax breaks on top of it. We, as individuals, get a payback for being kind to others in a different way. We do it because it gives us a good reputation. There also may be a monetary reward for our good deeds. Sometimes we do it so we can convince ourselves that we are good. There is not much more valuable to a human being than a well-placed ego stroke.

When I think of sacrifice, I think of Jesus. By all records, He didn't do ONE thing for his own interest. He dedicated His life in its entirety, including His death, for the direct benefit of others. Still, those who are Christians among us, praise Him, but act the opposite in our own lives.

Is it hopeless? It appears so in the big picture, but not so much in our individual lives. However, it takes effort. I sold my beloved truck to a neighbor for well below its value. He needed transportation to make a living (in a truck) and to take care of his wife who was in poor health. Am I tooting my own horn? Hardly. Not a day goes by when I get tempted to question my action because it kind of put me out. I have to force myself to believe it was the right thing to do sometimes. I must shamefully admit that the disease of self runs through my blood also. However, we can make the effort and choose to be caring and selfless. It is somewhat artificial because it is against our nature, but we can do it. That should give us hope that we CAN be the exception to this rule.

It, indeed, takes strength to pursue a life of caring for others - uncommon strength.

We are frail

We are fearfully and wonderfully made

Forged in the fires of human passion

Choking on the fumes of selfish rage

And with these our hells and our heavens

So few inches apart

We must be awfully small

And not as strong as we think we are

--Rich Mullins

No, we are not as strong as we think we are. But, perhaps there is hope.

Obama, American Idol, and Indiana Basketball

NEWS - Last week, I mentioned that Barack Obama fits the description of the antichrist. It is not that I think that he is, he just fits the description. This week it is getting even more frightening. Saturday Night Live on NBC had a debate skit that kicked off the show. It was humorus, but the main point was that the media is giving Obama a pass on everything and actually is a little giddy concerning Obama's candidacy. The debate skit started with the moderator asking the first question to Obama, "Senator Obama, can I get you anything? Really, it is no problem at all?" Funny, but it makes the point. Prophesies have the antichrist with this kind of unrealistic adoration.

"Saturday Night Live", you may say, "is just a comedy show on TV. You can't judge stuff like that from a comedy show." Fair point, but try these on for size:

Obama made a trip to Africa and for whatever reason, put on African-Muslim dress. A picture surfaces and somehow it was unfair to share this picture with the masses? WHY? HE WORE THE OUTFIT! It is a true picture. Yet, many pundits are talking how it is an unfair campaign tactic to show this photo.

Wait, it gets better. A right wing whacko in Cincinnati, kept referring to Obama as "Barack Hussein Obama." The pundits, again, calling it a cheap shot and even John McCain was distancing himself from it. Guess what? IT IS HIS NAME? Now that whacko said all kinds of negative things about Obama. Some I believe crossed the line. However, it is a cheap shot to utter his full name? IT IS HIS NAME! Unbelievable.

I talked to my wife about this today and she, as ardent drinker of the Obama Kool-Aid, thought it was a cheap shot, too. This kind of devout and unscrutinizing following, to the point of painting anyone who uses truth to shape the minds of voters, is in my opinion, the stuff of which antichrists are made.

Do I think that people shouldn't vote for him because of all this? Of course I don't think that; I may vote for him myself. If he is the antichrist, it doesn't matter who you vote for because he is coming into power regardless. If he isn't, he just may be a good president. If you do vote for him, just remember not to drink the Kool-Aid.

ENTERTAINMENT - American Idol is in full swing. I haven't watched it as closely as I have in the past, but I am aware of some controversy. There are a few contestants who have had record deals in the past. Many people think that isn't fair to the "diamonds in the rough" out there who haven't had that kind of advantage. Others don't care. Color me in the middle.

My biggest concern is that record companies can use American Idol as a publicity tool for their clients. It is a rule that a contestant can't have a CURRENT record deal, but that can easily be side-stepped. For instance, you can have a contract with someone who can have contracts with record labels - that kind of thing. I think it is best for the integrity of the show to just avoid this type of thing altogehter. It may come back to bite. That being stated, I think people should vote for whoever they like, former professionals or not. I don't vote, myself, because I think voting is kind of high school. But, that is just me.

WORK - Not much to report, really. No drama. That's good, because I have already written a book today.

SPIRIT - I have been thinking a lot about the concept of forgiveness these days. It has been said that unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the target of your anguish to die from it. I believe that is true. I see no benefit for unforgiveness, none. Unforgiveness is merely a form of justified hatred. I think there is too much of that in the world, already, without rationalizing why I have a right to hate. It is like having a right to cancer. I willingly give up that right.

FAMILY - The family chores are piling up. My good sister (the one that helps me out the most with my other, disabled family members) is off on an extended trip. She has been gone since mid January and will not be back until sometime in April. I think it is great that she can take these trips, but somehow it seems that I am paying for them.

LOVE - Lately, my wife has been catching a lot of flack from Psychosomatic Wit readers. It is my fault, though, because turmoil inspires my rantings more than peace. However, she isn't getting a fair deal. Everything I write about our marriage is true, but it takes two to succeed in marriage. It also takes two to fail. I am not perfect and I want to go on the record to say that if I had taken a different approach to some issues, things probably would have worked out better. That is what I have been trying to do. Soon, I will relay a story about her that will give her some props. Stay tuned.

ANXIETY - I am trying out the pet peeve aspect of this device today. It doesn't cause me anguish, but I am sickened by the term "doctor" being shoved in my face by every Tom, Dick, or Harriet that happens to earn a Ph.D. in some area. I'm sorry, but unless you can take out my appendix, you aren't a doctor. You are just some schmoe who has a Ph.D., either earned or given. Get off of the title. It is self-serving and unbecoming.

For example, if I hear "Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr" one more time, I am going to throw up. King was a great and brave man. However, it was faith and his conviction unto action that made him great, not his theology degree. From all accounts, King was a humble man. I would doubt that he encouraged others to address him as such. Perhaps he did, I don't know. I do know that if/when I get my Ph.D., I will not tolerate being addressed this way. Or, I may just tell the person to stick out his tongue and say "Ahh". Don't worry, I won't go as far as to tell him to turn his head and cough.

SPORTS - My beloved alma mater, Indiana University has finally got rid of their cheating coach. Although Bob Knight is avoiding any conversation about it, he is a long-shot in returning to the program. I do have a list of coaches that may fit the bill, though:

CAUTION - THIS SECTION CONTAINS COLLEGE BASKETBALL-SPEAK. If you aren't versed in college basketball, you may not get it.

In no particular order:

Bruce Pearl - I don't know if he would leave the Univerisity of Tennessee, but he really liked coaching in Indiana (USI). He even wanted the Evansville job when Jim Crews left, but UE went with Steve Merfeld instead (the idiots).

Steve Alford - He didn't have a great reputation at Iowa, but hey, that's Iowa - a wrestling school. He had a respectable record there, and was outstanding at Manchester and SWMS previously. It would be difficult, however, for him to leave after a year in Albuerque, I suspect. He did want the IU job when they gave it to Sampson (the idiots).

Brad Brownell - an in state guy and a good compromise between a Knight guy and an outsider.

Chris Lowery - He has done a fantastic job at Southern Illinois and learned under Bruce Weber at Illinois and SIU. Plus, he is an Indiana boy.

Dan Dakich, the present interim coach - They brought him in for a reason in November. He was okay at Bowling Green, but ran Knight's teams before leaving for BG. He is a player's coach with a touch of Knight's discipline.

HOME - My wife and I have been talking about the possibility of going back to Jamaica for our second anniversary this fall. This October, it will be two years since my wife and I exchanged vows next to the beach in paradise. Like the swallows to Capistrano, we are driven to return there - to the scene of the crime, if you will. Of course, it is longshot because of finances.

I, personally, think it would benefit our marriage so much that it would be worth it if was, at all, possible. It is my belief that it would give us a renewing in such a way that we could start all over building our marriage from the ground up. We both had some conflicting thoughts about marriage then. We both thought that it could be the normal "cold feet". We found out later that it wasn't. A trip back to Jamaica to "do it right" so to speak, seems magical. Yet, it is such a long shot (sigh).

NEWS FLASH - Third Week of January '08

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:

News (or current events)
Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)
Work (thoughts on the job or employer)
Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)
Family (or friends)
Love
Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)
Sports (also considered should be contests, reality tv, recreation, cards, games), and
Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.
___________________________________________________________________
Today's word, boys and girls is SACRIFICE!

NEWS - Senater John McCain has won some respect back from me this week. He was speaking in Michigan to group when he encountered a heckler in the front row. Instead of ignoring him or trying to make him look small, he invited comment from the man. The man told him that he would love to be able to talk to him sometime about the differences in issues and McCain told him that he would call him. Two and half hours later, McCain actually called the guy and SACRIFICED precious time for a guy that wasn't even a supporter to have a ten minute conversation. That shows good character.

ENTERTAINMENT - American Idol returns tonight on Fox. Everyone talks about how this show is waning. I don't know if that is true. I imagine it is going to have a surge in ratings this time because the writers' strike will eliminate a lot of the competition. So, the scripted shows will be SACRIFICED for these type of reality programs. Anyone ready here to talk about Idol this year?

WORK - Big meeting coming up tomorrow. It is so big, mind you, that it is amazing that I am making this post today. I lined up a great speaker for the annual breakfast workshop my commission sponsors every February. There is an elderly nun that runs a nonprofit organization that helps hispanic and latino people that have migrated to the area. This fine lady has SACRIFICED her whole life and has done so much for the area over the years that she is sometimes referred to as the "Mother Theresa of Owensboro, KY."

SPIRIT - I have been thinking a lot lately of SACRIFICE. A lot of people seem to believe that God wants us to give up things just for the sake of denying ourselves - for instance some give up things for the 40 days of Lent. I don't think God is much interested in this type of SACRIFICE. If giving up meat, sugar or alcohol for 40 days enables you to contemplate on God more, then more power to you. Don't stop the practice! Jesus, indeed, SACRIFICED his life for those who believe - to bridge the gap between man and God. We should SACRIFICE, also, but not unto death or pointless denial. I believe that we SACRIFICE unto life. For believers, we identify with the human death of Christ, but SACRIFICE our lives unto Him. Got more than you bargained for in "Spirit" this week, eh? ;)

FAMILY - I discovered this week, that my "long lost brother" is back living in the area. Last I heard, he was living in Florida. My brother runs his own game. He disappears and we find out through various channels that he is living in another part of the country - that sort of thing. It has been years since I have talked to him. He doesn't call. It turns out that he lives in the area and works in my city and has been here since before Thanksgiving. He didn't care to let anyone know or share the holidays with his family for whatever reason. The latest theory is that since my dad died when I was 18, it affected my brother so much that he didn't want to be around the family much after that lest he would have to deal with another loss. So, he SACRIFICES time with those who truly love him in order to not hurt so much when his family of strangers pass away. Who really knows, though? I tried to ask him before about this stuff, but he really doesn't have an answer.

LOVE - The other night, I had it out with my wife. It wasn 't a yelling match or anything like that, it was a state of the relationship speech. The Reader's Digest version is that I told her that I have done all I could do with the marriage and it is on borrowed time. I listed how I have worked hard and SACRIFICED for the marriage everyday, listed the things I do to put her and the marriage's interest before my own personal ones. I asked her what she does for the marriage and she listed two things that she would do anyway even if she wasn't married to me. When I reminded her of that, she responded that she must not do anything for the marriage, then. I wasn't sure if it was sarcasm or realization but I left it right there.

Having talks with my wife is like taking antibotics for an infection. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, one won't know for a couple of days. The rest of that day was shot for anything good; she was surly as ever. However, the next day was better and yesterday was awesome. Then today I get an e-card that read, "Jeff, I'm sorry for not being my best for a long time. I get apathetic and hopless pretty easily and I know it sucks for you - probably more than for me. Anyhow, I want us to be good again and to have those babies someday! Today was good and I want to have carbon copies of it for the rest of our lives!"

We have been through short spells of good days before just to be devistated when the hopelessness sets back in. However, all I can do is take one day at a time and today is a good one.

ANXIETY - I discovered that my car has another problem. It no longer blows hot air for heat or defrost. I suppose that the thermostat needs to be replaced. Sheesh, it is always something.

SPORTS - My wife and I watched my Indiana University Hoosiers defeat her University of Illinois Illini on Sunday. She wasn't too happy about it, but seemed to be happy to watch the game with me. By the way, Brian, if you are still out there, I am still waiting to hear about our IU/UoI bet. They play again Feberuary 7th.

HOME - I went to the visitation at a a funeral home the other day. One of my best friend's father-in-law passed away. The place was packed; undoubtedly this was a beloved man. The deceased's elderly sister passed out next to me in front of the casket.

Death is funny. People work their whole lives for this station or that thing. They SACRIFICE for their families and then all of the sudden they are gone. If this is all there is, than what a pointless waste life is! Fortunately, I know that there is something bigger, something that gives meaning to the multiple lives touched by a single person, and that death is REALLY just the beginning of a larger thing. Truthfully, I don't understand how nonbelievers cope.

This could have been in the SPIRIT part of this entry, but I really was thinking of my family and friends - my friend and his wife with the loss and those who are troubled with no understanding. I hope you aren't in that number, my friends.

The Blame Game

A friend of mine recently asked me how I deal with anger. This was my reply:

The secret of dealing with anger is putting the things that cause your anger in perspective. Anger CAN be a good thing, but most often it is not. It is good if it motivates you to do something positive as a result of it. However, the other outcomes of anger are harmful. One can stew in their anger and put stress on their minds and bodies. Or, anger can motivate people to do something DEstructive. So, if you play the odds, the best thing to do is to let go of it.

That is where perspective comes in. I am having trouble with finances right now. That makes me upset and angry if I allow it to. The first thing we like to do is blame. I could blame my wife. She had a part in it, by quitting a job, being unemployed for months, and then taking only a part-time job when she did go back to work. On top of that, she spends too much, in my opinion.

I could blame God. He could arrange it so I would get a heavy winfall from someplace.

Or, the most painful, I could blame myself. Blaming the self is the least likely place people target in the blame game. We like to be victims, don't we? If someone else is doing something to us, we don't have near the hit on the ego and we can fantasize that if life was fair, we would be happy.

I would say blaming God is the most prevalent of the targets we have. There SEEMS to be no negative outcome. We don't have to deal with the friction blaming someone in our lives would cause; we wouldn't have to deal with self-worth and all the ugliness and pain that goes with that, either. No, we build a straw man (God) and blame Him. That way we get to blame, but do not suffer the physical consequence of it.

There are spiritual consequences, however. Oh, it isn't that God will punish us for blaming Him. He is bigger than that - and more loving. No, instead we separate ourselves further from the only One that can really help us with the problem, or the peace we need as a result of the problem. More importantly than that, we separate ourselves from a life of grace and communion with our Creator.

So, I let the anger go by putting it into perspective. I try to discover the actual source of the problem, not to blame, but to gain understanding. With understanding, comes peace. I, then, look at how things could be worse. I praise God that I have the blessings that I DO. I pray that I will see, understand, and learn from the trial - that I may be better as a result of it and that I will shine as a result of this "polishing".

Relationship Lightbulb

As many of you know, I often comment (mostly lament) the struggles of my young marriage. This is one of those. I know some people do not believe that I should comment about such things, but I get the most hits with this kind of post, so you guys (you know who you are) are all hypocrites. ;)

Last night, my wife and I had a mild tiff. It was mild at the surface, but this morning it dawned on me why it is sticking in me after a night's sleep. It reveals a bigger issue for me: I cannot trust my wife.

Oh, it is not that I think she would cheat on me. I highly doubt that would happen. I just can't trust her with my feelings - to look after me in the emotional and nurturing way. She said something to me last night that surprised me and hurt my feelings. (Ready, everyone together, "Ahhhhh") As a result, I sat quietly in the recliner trying to process it and get over it. She noticed that I was "quiet" and asked me what was wrong. I made a mistake by telling her the truth - that she said something that hurt my feelings.

Quiz time!!! Guess how she reacted to my answer.

a. She came to me, put her hand on my shoulder and apologized for hurting me.

b. She completely ignored the answer as if she didn't hear me.

c. She got mad at me for being hurt.

d. She walked out the door.

If you answered, "c", you are right. This has happened before and I think I even wrote about it. I am stating that to make this point: What did I expect to happen? One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I am officially insane - or was insane. I think I have finally wised up.

So, I am taking responsibility for this now. I am not going to say any more to her about it, but I am holding myself responsible. If she is incapable of responding in a way that meets my expectations then in is on me to change my expectations. Consider them changed.

The big lesson here is that one cannot control what others do; he can only control how he receives or reacts to it.

Lesson learned - finally.

NEWS FLASH #17

Bear with me while I am still unpacking. It was quite a trip (proverbially speaking), but it is good to be home.

NEWS - Have you heard about this new superbug staph infection thing that is killing folks in record numbers? I don't know if this could be considered as part of my predictions or not. Back in January, I predicted, "there will be a new pest related problem (insect, etc.) that will either threaten people's health or damage major agricultural production." Even though this thing is being called a "superbug", I guess it is a stretch. There was already some kind of thing that someone told me about that was agricultural some months back, but this is more what I had in mind.

ENTERTAINMENT - Saturday night, as a part of my one-year anniversary celebration, my wife and I saw The Classical Mystery Tour. It was wonderful! If you are even marginally a Beatles fan, you should do what you can to see this production. The Broadway cast of Beatlemania were accompanied by the Evansville Philharmonic Orchestra in a stunning time warp extravaganza (I don't have a joke here; I just like to use the term, "extravaganza"). Do yourself a favor and check here to see if this show is coming to a venue near you. (Psst, Charles, they are coming to Rochester.)

WORK - The office has calmed down. I should cruise into the new year from here - barring unforseen tragedies.

SPIRIT - I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. I have determined that I am a wretched human being. No, I don't steal or cheat on my wife, but my heart harbors some awful things that leaves a bad taste not only in my mouth but on down to the deepest part of my gut. I may explore this more in the future - probably in my other blog that most of you don't read, so you will be spared. However, I am in too good a mood to go there today.

FAMILY - I have two disable sisters and one disabled mother. One of my sisters STILL hasn't been granted "disabled" status although she has multiple physical problems that prevent her from walking much. Plus, she is in pain quite a bit and is an acute diabetic. She cannot work; she is going to lose her apartment (the power has already been cut off). She applied for disability two years ago and even has attorneys working on it. Now, she is sleeping on my mothers' couch. Because she isn't technically "disabled" yet, she also cannot get healthcare or consistently take her prescribed medications. She needs insulin twice a day, but she rations it. I am genuinely concerned about her future here on Earth. When I think about the status of healthcare here in the US, I am sickened by the greed that rules us in the guise of "healthy capitalism". Did I mention that I was in a good mood?

LOVE - As mentioned earlier, my wife and I have made it a whole year. We had a wonderful few days of celebration. We saw a play, went out for a nice dinner, ate some year-old wedding cake, and capped the thing off with The Classical Mystery Tour. Whodathunkit?!?

ANXIETY - My dog, Marley, will not leave his hip alone. He had a problem with it in the past. You can read about it at the link above, but it healed up - a few times. I think he has developed a habit of messing with it and so it never fully heals up. It used to be a growth, but now it is just a sore where he continues to irritate it. A few days ago, I put a funnel-collar on him so he can't get to it. I can't tell if it is healing up or not, but he is dangerous with that plastic monstrosity on his head. He terrorizes the other dogs with it, unknowingly, but they are scared to death of him when he wears it. You would think he had a Hoover upright on his head, for crying out loud, by the way the other dogs are acting.

SPORTS - My Cincinnati teams now have TWO African-American head coaches leading them. The Bengals have Marvin Lewis as the head coach of the team for the past five years. Now, the Reds named Dusty Baker to take over the manager duties of the baseball team. This is somewhat significant because Cincinnati has a reputation of being backward when it comes to racially equality. Congrats to the men and the city.

HOME - Things at home were the cause of my hiatis from the blog. Things seem to be stable now and that is a plus. My wife has started work as a veterinarian' assitant/secretary. This will help in a whole lot of areas. We need the income as many of you have kept up know, but also she gets (or will get) significant discounts on vet care. Hang in there, Marley!

I am not going to get into details about the reasons for my hiatis. Some things are best left alone. I often wondered if anyone out there had theories why I was gone. At any rate, I am back for now and hopefully permanently - but I can't promise.

I Am an Advocating Idealist

What does that mean? I am not really sure. However, thanks to Jaquandor from Byzantium Shores, I took this personality test. It is from PersonalDNA.com. When I read about it on Jaquandor's blog, I was in the right mood to play along.

I think some of the profile takes my current state of mind and personal upheaval into account, but for the most part, I find it accurate.

Here is what my personal DNA map looks like:

If you decide to map your own, come back and let me know.

The Psycho Gives an Exclusive Interview

Jaquandor (Kelly) from Byzantium’s Shores was kind enough to interview me. Truthfully, I saw the interview thing going around and had some reservations about asking to be interviewed. I don’t know, it seemed a little self-absorbed to ask someone to interview you. However, after seeing the questions he asked some other bloggers, I was intrigued by what he just might ask me. So, risking my own humility, I asked him to interview me.

These are his questions:

1. Is your wife aware of the degree to which you blog about your relationship? If so, her reaction?

My wife, to my knowledge, is not even aware that I have a blog, much less a blog that reveals aspects of our relationship. I am a firm believer of the “separate worlds” theory as perceived by George on Seinfeld. We all need a place where we can be real, a place that is a sanctuary from those closest to us. If my wife started reading my blog and became familiar with those who regularly read and comment on it, “Independent Jeff” would cease to exist.

No one in my real life knows about or has read my blog, so it is not just about hiding things from my wife. However, I do try to protect the most sensitive of details and people that I mention in my blog by keeping them somewhat anonymous.

2. How much, generally, do you find Christianity to be a struggle?

True Christianity is not a struggle at all. It is we humans who have to incorporate our wills and interpretations on Christianity that makes it difficult. We like to think that we can set up our own agenda. Because we are believers, we believe that agenda can easily be incorporated into God’s will for us. When the square pegs of our agenda items are being forced into the round holes of God’s will, there is bound to be a struggle; we are bound to feel that pain.

Christianity is all about surrender. Surrender is really not a tough thing, but our pride and ego get in the way and make it difficult. For example, if one is being hunted by the police who have weapons fixed on him, how hard is the decision to surrender going to be for him? The problem is that we tend to believe that our own weaponry is equal or even part of God’s - that we are hunting WITH Him rather than being hunted BY Him.

The best “Christians”, although I don’t like to imply that one person is better than any other, are those who have hit rock bottom and completely surrender to God.

So, to answer your question as it concerns me, I still need to work on surrendering from time to time. In those times, there is a struggle. However, what lessens the impact of that struggle is knowing that the Savior has already provided remedy for those shortcomings. So even when I fail, the love of God has already made my life blemish free. The realization within my spirit that God loves me to that degree, makes it a little easier to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.

3. What's your favorite book in the Bible, and why?

That is a tough question. Each book of the Bible is part of the overall message. However, if I had to pick one, it may be the Book of James. It is full of hope and teaches about love. There are many key passages in this short book of only five chapters. It discusses living in the success of Christ - showing HOW to live it. James also points out how powerful words are to cause harm and blessing. It shows the meaning of God’s love and reveals His heart.

Because of my current trials, the first chapter of James is there to remind me of what I have come to trust:

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves.” (James 1: 2-6 – The Message Bible Paraphrase).

I recommend to all that they should read this short book. I have provided it in the easy to read “The Message” paraphrase on my appendix blog. It is fantastically better than any drivel you will read on my blog. Read it here and be blessed.

4. Describe the best and worst meals you've ever had.

The best and worst concept is difficult most of the time. Let’s say I have had 25 simply outstanding meals in my life. From those, how could I accurately pick the best? Some meals are outstanding for reasons different than others. The best I can do is say that when my grandmother was alive, one of the best meals I have ever had was at her house. When she served fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and corn on the cob, there is little that could compete with that. Her chicken was unique for no apparent reason. I asked her what she did to it and she simply said, “Oh, I just use flour and add a little salt and pepper.” Yet, grandma magic made it more delicious than any other I have ever tasted. It is a pity that I will never taste it again.

The worst meal in my life came on a first date. It was a lunch date and we walked from her apartment to the Cracker Barrel which was a short block away. I had . . . chicken, ironically enough. It was grilled chicken and it tasted terrible. I noticed that it was raw inside, but I didn’t want to say anything and look like I was some malcontent on this first date. However, my date noticed the bloody pink filet and encouraged me to notify the server. At that point, I was no longer hungry, but my meal was free, awkward, and bad tasting. I think I recall feeling sick the rest of the day. A great date!

5. You, at home, a night alone, and you won't have to clean up. (Elves, or something.) What do you do? What's for dinner?

As great as a question this is, I don’t want to answer. Is it because I am embarrassed of my actions on such a night? Nope. The truth is, I am boring. However, here it goes: I would probably want an “Una Pizza”. This is a pizza unique to my town (for the most part). It is a thin, cracker-type crust with an interesting blend of cheese, sauce and toppings. I can’t explain what makes this blend taste different than other pizzas (since they ALL have cheese, sauce and topics); it just does. After dinner, I would probably watch a movie that I have been putting off for sometime (there is always at least one), and end up writing (either blogging or working on one of my projects). Before bed, I would get some magic powder from those elves to keep mosquitoes off of me without smelling like DEET, lay in a hammock that apparently those elves provided, stare at the stars, listen to the crickets and other nocturnal life, and fall asleep praying to my God, thanking Him for the gift that the evening was – and, of course, for supplying the elves.

NEWSFLASH #8

NEWS - The Democratic candidates for president are going after the faithful for support in the coming campaign. Many of hired strategists to target Christian groups so the the candidates can appear more faith friendly. I am getting this information at CNN.com. Right after the article introduces this concept, there comes a quote from a Democratic stratigist, "It has to be authentic. This is not about Jesus-ing up the party, so to speak ... It just won't work if it's seen as a cynical ploy." Excuse me, but just the fact that they are hiring faith-seeking strategist for their campaigns kind of defeats the "avoiding a cynical ploy" approach, doesn't it? If a candidate has a strong faith, then let it shine from his/her own presence. I don't find it to be too necessary to hire a staffperson to strategize how to remove the candle from under the bushel basket and place it on a candlestick(see: Matt 5:15). If one is faithful, it will show.

ENTERTAINMENT - I was sad to learn of the passing of Tammy Faye (Bakker) Mesner. She was quite an interesting lady and had a big heart. She was quite a character. If one could get past her makeup, which looks like it was applied with a putty knife, one would find an overcomer that flourished despite the trials she endured, including the last one - her cancer. I began to appreciate her when she was on a season of the reality show, Surreal Life. She held on to her faith while showing love and tolerance to those whose lifestyles come CROSSwise to her conservative Christian faith. Tammy Faye - the world's loss is God's gain.

WORK - this is the big week of the summer for my job. I serve a commission and the July meeting this week will provide new commissioners and officers. That means a new "boss" for me. Impressions will be magnified so I will have to rise above all my personal baggage and let my professionalism rise to the top. It is a good thing that I have plenty of practice in this area.

SPIRIT - It is well with my soul. Even though I feel that I am on a train speeding out of control on a mountain track, I still have peace that I am in good hands. I understand that when this train finally comes to a stop and I get off and look around, I will see the beauty of my surroundings in such a way that I haven't been able to see them before. Plus, I will no longer have the same kind of fear of trains.

FAMILY - My family reununion was Saturday. It was okay, but it isn't the same without my grandmother who was the glue of the family. She passed away about six years ago, and we have only had a couple of get togethers since, as compared to the annual blowout we had when she was alive. Saturday's was a low-key affair where factions of the family stayed together and the puzzled looks on most everyone's face revealed that there were more strangers than "family" in attendance. Of course, my wife couldn't make it. She has been sick so I was very understanding.

LOVE - My marriage, unfortunately, is hanging on by a thread - a frazzled one at that. It is a shame, really. I honestly feel that I have done everything I could do to hold it together. I gave up friendships, took on all the financial responsibilities because she couldn't "handle" her job anymore, I spent the last two weeks being a full-time nurse, housekeeper, gardener, and chauffer. However, I alone cannot fill a love built for two.

ANXIETY - I get a little anxious thinking about all this marriage stuff and realizing that I have a lot of responsibility in the failure. My relationships have been a series of breakdowns, infidelities, and failures. Although, from my perspective, I have never been the culprit, the cheat, or the "I just don't love you, anymore" person, it is naive of me to think that I have just been unlucky. If my marriage failure was merely an isolated incident, than I could try to pick myself up and move on. However, the nasty pattern that has been my love life, just simply can't be ignored. No one likes to think of himself/herself like that. Self-examination is a frightening practice. What upsets me the most, is that I just don't know what it is. Maybe it will be revealed to me when I get off this train.

SPORTS - My nephew and I are going to the Cincinnati Bengals training camp next week. It will be nice to have some one-on-one time with him. He is a HUGE Bengals fan and it is soley my fault. Since there is a good chance that he (and his brother) are the closest things I will have to children of my own, I can smile when I see him wearing his "Chad Johnson" jersey and place my feet on the Bengals floor mats in his car.

HOME - I think my wife is leaving town again this week. I will try to take this opportunity to organize a garage sale this coming weekend. We have too much stuff and not enough room for it. Plus, we can use the money. Anybody need a riding mower? How about a HOUSE?

NEWS FLASH #6

Maybe It Is Time

From time to time, most bloggers toy around with the idea of quitting. Life gets too hard, time problems, and internet stalking gives us pause about whether all this is worth it. I am no different. I am in the cross hairs of a gun that has the potential to shut this thing down - at least for a while.

As any of you who have read my blog in the last couple of months or so will attest, life hasn't been very kind to me lately. I climb each hill one by one and somehow keep on trucking with this little blog. I think it has been helpful to me and even some of you commented on how you get something out of it every once in while. That's great and it makes it a worthwhile endeavor.

Recently, I have noticed that I have gotten a little too fixated on the taxing things that are going on in my life. This effects me in a lot of ways. My blog can be interpreted as an invitation to a pity party. I truly don't want that. It can be just downright tiresome for people to read. I don't want that. However, more importantly, this whole exercise may have tainted my ability to perceive my own insensitivity. This, I can't tolerate.

I am a pretty sensitive guy. I have always found myself pretty much attuned to others' plights and have sincerely always wanted to be encouraging. On the inside, I think this who I am. On the outside, sometimes I am unable to discern what I am saying concerning how it may have an impact on other people.

I met with a friend at lunch today. I asked him for an opinion on how I should address an issue I have with someone in my life. I told him what I was thinking and he said, "I understand what you are saying and the logic behind it, but I don't think it is going to be received well. It surely will not have the desired effect that you are looking for." I was dumbfounded. My logic was flawless. Yet, that didnt' matter and finally the light bulb went off and I determined at that point that the recent stress in my life has had an adverse effect on my sensibilities.

It opened up my mind to a feedback exchange I had recently with another blogger. It wasn't testy, but I could tell that I wrote in the same such manner. At the time, I couldn't see what I was saying could be construed in any way other than what I meant. Now, I realize that I can't trust myself to know that. I may have hurt someone that I have truly come to care about. For that I am sorry. I tried to "fix" it and explain my intentions, but I guess it didn't take. What is worse is that I don't have the wisdom now to see whether or not I could have made things worse.

I have written all that to write this: It may not be in anyone's best interest for me to continue to blog and feedback until I get in a better place internally. I don't want to overreact, it is just something that I need to consider. The last thing I want to do is offend someone. It might be something as simple a concept as someone wanting to avoid getting pregnant. The only way to avoid it is to abstain. I will be mulling this over.

In the meantime, if I have been insensitive to anyone out there, I assure you it wasn't my intention. I am not making excuses, though. Words are too powerful to play with when impaired.

My first idea was to label this entry, "Thursday Thirteen - thirteen reasons I am giving up blogging." However, that would be a little insensitive. See what I mean?