Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Beyond the Point of No Return

She still looked beautiful there in bed. If it weren't for the straps holding her limbs, I would say things looked almost normal. That isn't the case, though. The straps are glaring along with sunkeness of her eyes and of course the wound on her neck. I dropped the object in my hand on the floor next to her bed and just stared at her - trying to find some kind meaning to it all. Looking to find a solution other than the one an emotionless mind would have determined some time ago.

It was just a short few days ago when I held her and tried to will her demons to stay away. "It is going to be alright," I would console. "I will not let it take you. I will not let it change us."

How empty those words feel today, yet I meant them with everything I had. I watched daily how her sweet way melted into something horrifying.

It was gradual at first. She would tell me she loved me and have me hold her. Then she would sink into her illness. The fever, and the red pupils would come and go. I tried to time the rhythm of it in order to maximize the time I had left with the "wife" that was slowly being strangled by the pure evil that is surely engulfing her.

It wasn't long till there was only glimpses of the angel that she used to be. Her voice would sink octaves and utter the most horrifying things. Still, she was my wife and I loved her. Should I stay, go, vanquish her, end my own misery or just set her free and let her take me. What is left to live for, anyway?

The struggle continued until there was nothing left of my wife there. The only sign that she ever lived there is when her exhausted body gave up consciousness. I can still see the shell that she lived in, but she is long gone.

I know now that those straps will not be able to contain her much longer. I needed to deal with this fact before all of it is completely out of my hands.

As I walked slowly toward her, her eyes opened and she gently mustered, "Free my arms so I can hold you one last time." I reached with my left hand across her body towards the strap restraining her left hand. With my right hand, I gripped the wooden shaft that I dropped on the floor beside her bed a little earlier. A week ago, it was a support in the garden. Today, it set two souls free.

6 comments:

Sayre said...

Goosebumps, dude. And a terrific analogy.

Jaquandor said...

If I knew what the hell to say, I'd say it. Since I don't, I'll just say that I'm sorry. My God.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Please Please Please Please, set the two of you free.

What's left to live for? Plenty, Jeff, plenty, you will have many great years to come, believe me!!!

HoosierGirl5 said...

If you don't stop writing stuff like this, I will drive down there and smack some sense into you! This would be good, if it didn't scare me to death about your state of mind.

Cyber-hugs,
j.

HollyGL said...

Great release, Jeff. Beautifully articulated. As much as possible right now, just try to remember the person she became - not who she was at first. It will be tough, but it will keep you grounded in the now - which will make it easier to move forward.

Anonymous said...

Not quite sure what to say....amazing analogy. Let her go. I'm helping a friend go thru the same nightmare. She has a plan, is staying strong and focused and determined to have a better life away from her completely loveless marriage. She knows she is a good person who deserves better than the lying, cheating, selfish man she married 13 years ago. And she will/has succeeded in staying strong and focused. Make a plan and stick with it. Lean on friends (even cyber friends). Don't do this alone. Please remember, this may be the absolute bottom for you, life will be better for you someday. Hang in there.

Michelle