The American Dream

I am going to pretend like it hasn't been a while.  I am convinced that posting today will not turn out to be an isolated incident.  I have decided to put memoirs together, as it were.  As I get older, I find myself tending to forget a lot of things.  So, for posterity's sake, I am going to start recording them here.  I am curious to see if I skip the parts of my life that I wished I could forget.  I guess we will find out.

This isn't my house or family, but it captures the spirit.

Beginnings and New Beginnings

My mom and dad came from humble beginnings and both were hard workers.  There wasn’t really a time when I remembered them having a loving marriage.  However, back then there was a duty to kids and they had five of them.  Until I was three years old, our family lived in a humble house my folks rented in a working class neighborhood.

I don’t really remember too much about my life then, but the fragments I do remember include the little dog my elderly neighbor had next door.  I also remember having an oak tree in the small backyard that my brother liked to climb on and get on top of the garage that was connected to the alley. He would throw acorns at me and anyone or anything else that might cause an uproar.  I also remember putting pennies on the train tracks that were just across the street and gather them flattened.

When I was three, we moved into a house that my folks had built in a new subdivision.  Neither my father nor mother had much of an education. However, back then, you could manage to build and move into a new house if you worked hard and remained frugal.  The American Dream was alive and well and my folks were full participants.  Today, there is no way my parents would be able to build a house - probably not even buy one.  When people talk about “the good ol’ days,” this is what they were talking about.  It isn’t as much as a myth as some would have you believe.

I was proud of that house.  It was in a new part of town and was built in the middle of an apple orchard.  There were fields and trees and woods all around.  The house was also a rock’s throw from the elementary school.  Happy times.

There weren’t very many people in my neighborhood when we first moved in.  However, across the street was a family that also had a number of kids.  With those kids, we had friends that turned into adversaries and then to friends again.  They lived a rural existence and I liked spending time over there mostly.  Funny, my mother, now disabled and widowed, still lives in our house.  The neighbors across the street are still there, too – well, the mother of that clan, also a widow, remains there. Of course her kids have mostly moved on but our lives intersect every now and then.  

It was these roots that should be credited or blamed for forging the core of the man I am today.

Why Movies Make Us Cry

First things, first - I have confessions to make. Sure, I haven't been here for a while. Yes, I know because of that, I am talking to myself. Finally, this particular blog post is somewhat of a revisit. I addressed this before, but I got to thinking about it again. Living alone, sometimes all I have are movies and songs to make me cry. Maybe that's a good thing.

Those of you who have read much of my blog know that I am a spiritual kind of guy. I think most questions in life have a spiritual component. This one ESPECIALLY does. I could be wrong about it; I'm no expert (on anything, for that matter). Feel free to disagree without consequence. But here is the reason movies, songs, books, etc. make us cry, as far as I see it:

I think it is a matter of communication and a reset of the soul. Life is difficult. We witness the hardness of the world on a daily basis; we see our soldiers dying in Afghanistan, car crashes that kill mothers and their babies, etc. We just can't stop and feel for these things all the time at the moment it intrudes into our brains. We have become calloused for survival's sake. Oh sure, every now and then it stops us in our tracks and touches us if the tragedy is particularly powerful or we are having a vulnerable moment, but for the most part, we simply do not have time to stop and cry over every tragedy and/or touching news story.

Movies, music, books, etc. grab us when we are not as busy. We are relaxed and have our emotional guards down. Our minds and souls get real with us and reset our emotions. It reminds us that we are feeling, compassionate beings. Without this outlet, I believe that compassion would wane altogether and the world would spin violently out of control.

What about the non-tragedy tears - the "tears of joy" phenomenon? I believe it is the same principle, different stimuli. The most significant part of the soul is the part that connects with other souls. There is something that transcends known science here that deeply effects our well being. We need to care about others. We need to feel connected to others in life, love and loss, dreams reached or shattered. Our humanity depends on it.

I believe God made us this way for our own survival and to remind us that there is something bigger than our own life and circumstance. It is mind-blowing when considering that there is something "unreal" by physical life standards that has more power than our current physical life state. It is this type of illogical emotion that humbles us and forces us to admit there is something bigger going on inside. The fact that there is something bigger than life makes us admit the possibility that something will ALWAYS be bigger than life - even when life as we know it ceases for us.

Admittedly, we often find a connection with fiction to our own lives and dreams that can prompt emotion. It is the attention getter. However, it is still fiction and we have our own lives to deal with. Yet, here it is - the passion, the tears, and the connection to the One big Mystery that created us this illogical way.

Depression and the Holidays

Depression again has raised its ugly head on this blog. There is a ton of reasons for the timeliness of it. Among these reasons are the holidays, my personal experiences and the fact that it is an issue that just doesn’t go away. I introduced a post about the selfishness of depression in 2007. It is the most searched post on my blog and still garners comments and discussion today – although it was written over three and half years ago.

The holiday season is tough on a lot of people. I used to be a person that was baffled to hear about all the depression around Christmas. “Really? You can’t find something to be happy about with the giving, the carols, and all that Yule-tide jazz? Sheesh, even the cursed snow that causes traffic accidents and wet floors is celebrated around this time of year!”

Now, I am one of those people. Ever since my divorce in 2008, Christmas has been tough on me. Christmas lends itself to family and tradition. A broken marriage and loneliness in the wake of “fa la la la la” is a horse pill. It is that stinging loneliness, too, the kind you feel in the midst of a crowd. Then when you finally think you’re over the Christmas family stuff and the New Years non-kiss fall out, “BOOM,” Valentines Day hits just to trash what is left of your gut. Yeah, I get it now. As I mentioned in my last post, I now have a girlfriend , but it looks as though it won’t change any of these latest holiday practices and feelings for me.

Next time, I will update the original post and subsequent discussion. Depression affects a lot of people and unlike small pox, it will never go away. All we can really do is talk about it let those that are affected and the people around them know that they aren’t alone – even if it feels like it.

TOP TEN REASONS THAT JESUS HATES HEALTH CARE REFORM!

I have noticed that most of my Christian friends are up in arms over the health care reform that was just signed into law by the president. It dawned on me that perhaps Jesus hates health care reform. However, I couldn't figure out why. So, I wracked my brains and came up with following list (with apologies to David Letterman) - the TOP TEN REASONS THAT JESUS HATES HEALTH CARE REFORM!

10. The unwelcome competition for healing.

9. Concerned that the number of prayers from the desperately infirmed will take a hit.

8. Doesn't want to upset His base.

7. Afraid that His own "Millstone" clause will have to be amended to include little ones up to age twenty-six (Luke 17:2).

6. Doesn't want Democrats to take credit for His "love thy neighbor" policy.

5. Fox News told Him to.

4. Likes to be exclusive when it comes to pardoning pre-existing conditions.

3. What's next, feed the hungry?

2. Afraid that the expense of it will cut into His Armageddon War Chest!

And the number one reason Jesus hates the new health care reform . . .

1. It's not clear, but He is sure it has SOMETHING to do with abortion.

Men Die Early

Today I woke up before 4 am. After writing something cryptic on my Facebook status, I got dressed and started walking east. It was completely dark when I headed out and when it became completely light, I stopped, turned around and made the long trek back home. During that walk, I dissected life – my life, a man’s life and obtained some understanding.

You would think with understanding, comes peace. Not this time. It is akin to knowing something is wrong in your body and not being able to find the source and then after tests and tests, discovering that you have terminal cancer. Sure, there is clarity, but no peace.

So as I walked, I looked around at house after house – each with its own story that I wasn’t privy to. I looked at rock and flower gardens that someone painstakingly created. I saw new cars in driveways, satellite dishes, and fancy shrubbery. I saw newly built porches with Cracker Barrel rockers. I saw many things. It stuck in my gut in the realization that it was all vanity.

People, they have to escape, don’t they. They find their pleasures in toys, rockers and gardens. The image of a “nice home” is their drug of choice. I was on the outside looking in and found myself longing for their blissful ignorance.

Women have it easier in the area of coping with life’s tragedies and disappointments. Creating flower gardens or decorating a room or house just so is only part of their soul therapy. They also combine that therapy with a good crying session alone and with their girlfriends (they can even call their friends “girlfriends” because there is no shame when seeking emotional support if you have the double “X” chromosomes). They get their good cry in, they spend a couple of hours putting together additions to their scrapbooks, and they are good to go. God bless you women.

For men, it is a whole different set of circumstances. Working in the garage, or doing some kind of construction project on the house IS the whole ball of wax. There is no “good cry” or ice cream session with their friends. Why? They do it because there is a code. The code says that you don’t eat ice cream, you eat your angst. You don’t have support from your friends, because they are under the code, too, and they will not allow you or themselves to be “less than men.” No, men strive to be Donald Draper! We eat our angst and die early when the poison finally consumes us.

Of course, we do have the exceptions. There are those that cry with friends (usually with female friends or other “less than real men” types). Some join men’s support groups where there is chanting and drumming and “sharing.” However, society at large makes fun of these groups, don’t they? So that, in the long run, is just extra pressure and the “less than real men” label to boot.

Women tend to support men for reaching out and dealing with their emotions. They “respect” that. They just don’t want to “marry” that, do they? Women, with few exceptions, want a “real” man. A man that is always strong that they can feel safe with - a man that does not show his vulnerabilities, eats his angst, and dies early with a healthy pension and life insurance policy.

So, I and the like minded, continue on that path. We would rather die early as a man than live long as something “less.” I was concerned that I may be enlightening some of these men and ending their blissful ignorance. Then I realized that few “real” men read blogs. They would rather be in the garage nailing a couple of pieces of wood together.

As for the females reading this, show a little more compassion today for your dying men. And if you want to argue with me about my assertions here, you have already missed the point.

Connecting to the Past

Life is funny. Sometimes it creates a window to your past. In this window you can see and be connected to a part of your life that you thought was long gone. You can visit the past, but you are just a voyeur. Your life is plainly on YOUR side of the wall.

Sometimes life creates a door to your past. You can actually walk through – be a moving and changing part of it. You can actually complete unfinished business and make not so happy page breaks, into a story with a happy ending.

However, sometimes life only creates a picture of your past that can only be hung on a very secure wall of the present. You can look at it, but you can’t effect it.

It takes wisdom to see what you are actually looking at. Wisdom comes with age, but visiting the past sometimes removes that age-given wisdom. Instead, it takes you back to a pre-wisdom place.

Life isn’t so funny after all.

Life

Lives and dispositions are changed at a moment’s notice.

Friends are our best friends and then they are gone.

You are in love, out of love, never was in love, You don’t even know what love means.

Always searching for answers, question God, don’t question God. How dare you to think you could question God?

Selfishness . . . everyone with their own agendas, you don’t want to be selfish, you want to be selfish, how dare you be selfish? We have to survive, don’t we?

We want to be touched, we don’t want to be touched, how dare you expect me to touch you? It isn’t our brains, but our spirits that long to be touched.

Life . . . just try to live it.

Non Health Care, Real Estate Woes, and Death

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:

News (or current events)
Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)
Writing (thoughts on the blog(s) or other writing projects)
Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)
Family (or friends)
Love
Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)
Sports (also considered should be contests, reality TV, recreation, cards, games), and
Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.
___________________________________________________________________

NEWS - I heard a despicable ad about health care reform recently. It was so twisted and deceptive. Insurance companies will do anything to scare people away from their profits. Why so many protect the interest of companies that depend on finding ways to deny folks health care in order to maximize profits, I will never know. I guess we get what we deserve. Now, this latest health care bill is useless. The Republicans do not want any bill at all, and mainstream Democrats just want SOMETHING at this point. However, the SOMETHING will cause more harm than good. Without a public option or a medicare buy-in, this bill will require everyone to buy insurance from insurance companies without controlling the cost. Instead of holding insurance companies accountable, this bill will give it a boon! Everyone hear deserves blame. Republican Congress for not caring about the health care of its constituents and poisoning their weak-minded, puppet followers, the Democratic Congress for compromising everything this reform was suppose to accomplish just so they can say they did something, and the president for not showing the leadership to see something good through!

ENTERTAINMENT - Dexter on Showtime is one of the most original and well written television programs that I have ever seen. It is more than a show about a serial killer. It is about the darkness of the human spirit and the search for normalcy among the shrieking cries of the soul. It is scary to think about, but there is a Dexter in all of us.

WRITING - As you can see, I am trying to resurrect this blog. It is hard because everyone in my blog community (save a couple) are no longer blogging. It appears that I am a man in the wilderness again.

SPIRIT - I have mixed feelings about this today. I am glad that I am not alone, yet I feel alone. I have had a tide of bad luck lately. I don't believe God is a genie that bombards us with material gifts and good fortune. I also know that hard times is a gift of sorts, because it improves the spirit and character. However, even "good things" such as these lessons are bad in excess.

FAMILY - My family has been getting more distant from each other. Individual problems and interests have broken off contact. I hate it. We used to have the best holiday get togethers. This year, for Thanksgiving, I took my mom and sister out to eat. Pathetic. Now, they want me to host Christmas. I don't want to for a ton of reasons, but I bet I will. Someone has to do something!

LOVE - Love takes a holiday - and leaves me behind. It is weird to approach the holidays without someone. Last year was my first Christmas season without my wife. My emotions were still such a train wreck that I couldn't even think about it much, just react - negatively. This year is different. I can meditate on how much it sucks!

ANGUISH - Is this part even necessary this time? See the rest of this post for this part.

SPORTS - My Bengals are in first place. That would be good, if A) they weren't playing so poorly as the playoffs approach; and B) one of their good young players hadn't died yesterday in an incident involving falling out of a moving truck. Sheesh! RIP, Chris Henry.

HOME - as per our agreement, I am getting nearer to closing on the house my ex-wife and I lived in. I am buying it from her. In the meantime, the person living at my other house has apparently stolen power from the utility company and now I am facing THAT bill in addition to not having power during the winter months there!

So, how are you?

Happiness or Joy

I have been pondering it lately. Happiness I think is a current state while joy is something intangible, but more permanent. If that is the case, people search too much for happiness and ignore the joy in a vain search to accumulate the
happiness to achieve joy. I just don't think it works that way.

My mind takes me on a journey. In this journey, I have no money and I am alone hundreds of miles away from home. I have to sleep under bridges and beg or raid trash
cans for food. I am struggling and very unhappy. However,
I know that I have a home. All I need to do is endure till
I get back there. I need to go home - home, where I have
shelter, food, friends and family that love me. Knowing
that I have that home waiting for me gives me peace - an
overall joy.

If my mind takes me away again on a similar voyage where I can
contrast happiness and joy. This time, I am still poor and
homeless, but I do not have a home anywhere, no family, no
anything. I am unhappy and unjoyful. But then, a stranger
comes up and gives me a $20 bill. It makes me happy
because the money represents food for a couple of days.
That is a great thing for someone in such shape. It makes
me happy. So now, I am happy, but still joyless. Joy is
more eternal.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrow like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul.

~Horatio Spafford

Love, the Concept

The word "love" is thrown around a lot without much consideration.
Wise are those who profess that they have never been in love.

They aren't wise because they chose not to be in love - for it is not
of their choosing. They are wise because love is such a powerful
and enigmatic thing that they don't want to throw the word around
if they are unsure.

Infatuations and crushes are not even in the same caliber with true love.
However, they are often mistaken for love by the naive. People get a
funny feeling in their heart (or more accurately, stomach) and BOOM
they pronounce it love. Hardly.

Love is permanent and it is painful. Love attaches itself to you as
though you have discovered another part of your body that was previously
hidden from your perception. It operates in every system of your body and
you soon discover that it is necessary for survival - even when it is injured.

Love is eternal. You cannot fall OUT of love with anyone. That is like saying,
"I use to have a heart, but now I do not." If you think you used to be in love
but now you are not, you are mistaken. It was never love but something else.

How do you know if you are in love? The feeling (and I use that term way to loosely for it is much more that), when examined,
is patient. It will wait forever for the fruition of the relationship for it sees no other choice. There are no ultimatums in real love.
It also keeps no record of offenses and never holds the offender permanently accountable. It is a ONE-WAY street. It only flows
away from you. If love flows to you it is only because it comes from another's one-way street.

Love motivates toward a relationship. A relationship is steadfast work. Therefore, love motivates work. If you are lazy at your
relationship, you probably aren't in love with anyone. Love is inconvenient but is worth all the problems. Finally, love separates
us from the world in which we are confined. It is the only thing that can remove us from this awful place we live and allows us to
dwell in a higher plane of existence.

These things are components of real love and they ALL must be present for it to be considered love. One or two of these
attributes are not enough. Love is only fashioned by the divine.