That is how I feel right now. I am using my blog today as therapy. This is one of those times where turmoil percolates within and takes over my peace. I know that it is temporary, but I have to play "Beautiful Mind" with myself to stay on top of things.

I don't know exactly where it comes from, but it feels like an attack. It feels as though I have been set up. It is as if I have been assigned to drive a car that has bad steering and brakes. No one else believes that there is anything wrong with the car and that I must be making excuses for my bad driving. It has come to the point where I start to question my driving as well when last week I KNEW it was a problem with the car and not me. It is quite maddening.

The mind is such a fragile thing, isn't it? It is a wonder that we all aren't mad. I guess some think that we are.

Still, with all the madness and uncertainty, I still know there is a peace down there. That is where the "Beautiful Mind" technique comes in. I must ignore what I "see" or feel, and concentrate on what I know. The KNOW must be stronger than the "feel".

I have such pity for those who cannot know that the peace is still there. I thank God for that assurance every day.


Shan said...

You know, the moment I read the first few sentences, I just had a sudden rush of understanding. I do not know exactly why because your words does not describe something straight forward, but rather your current state of mind. But I just suddenly feel I do. Now I may be wrong and you may be talking about a whole different thing, but when you said The KNOW must be stronger than the "feel", I just suddenly thought of my state of mind.

For me, I have been having an overwhelming desire to understand why things are the way they are in the recent times. I just seem to question everything even though I know I know answers. Yet I continuously question why and why and why until the point of exhaustion then it comes back to haunt me again. Even though I already know why it is, I continuously ponder why and go back and tear it apart until it drives me to the verge of fear. Yes, fear.

Then I read your blog again and I suddenly realise you are talking about your sudden ability to KNOW why something is something.

Then I read your tags and I sense something different.

Now, I am just lost. I don't know if what I am experiencing relate to what you're saying or whether it does or whether in fact you have felt the same way I do.

But yes, I agree, the mind is so delicate but it is also powerful beyond measures and our ability to truly utilise its inert powers is something sad...

Jeff said...

I wrote what I wrote vaguely on purpose. Well, not on purpose really, but I was more concerned with getting out a feeling than explaining a thought process.

However, I think perhaps that there is some commonality in what we are feeling. It is like a path that goes around a mountain. The perspective changes of that mountain with every stride along that path. Each step ushers in a little more information concerning one side of the mountain and a little less from the other side.

I think we are looking at the same mountain on different places along the path.

I discuss (or will discuss) more about this type of thing in my other blog, also. It is more about spiritual things: http://this-present-truth.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...


Well, I've started this comment about ten times, and every time I sound... nonsensical. So, let me just say that wherever you are in your processing of things, I'm around somewhere rooting for you to reach whatever epiphany will propel you into a state of - not just peace - but bliss.


Galen Brannagh said...

Jeff, I needed to read this right now... more than you know. Isn't it amazing how things can be going so seemingly smooth for us and then that one little demon pops up and trips us. Thanks for reminding me to focus on what really matters.

Galen Brannagh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Loz said...

Jeff, doubt is normal, searching for answers is also normal, knowing what the questions are is the real gift. I like your mountain analogy and may I give another one.

Firstly, I don't know whether this for you is part of the midlife thing we all go through [I don't like to call it a crisis] but for me the best analogy is that of the river. We spend so much time as younger people going with flow, battling in many ways just to keep the boat upright and steer forward, forgetting perhaps to take the time to tread the banks and enjoy the view. At some stage we will find ourselves in a backwater where we can sort through all of the baggage and choose what we wish to take forward with us. It's really important to find those bits of flat water and take a breather, so the context of our lives can begon to make a bit more sense.

Keep writing because for many of us it is through the journey of others that we can come to understand our own.

Michelle said...


I must admit I think your reply to Shan was even better than your blog post. The whole mountain and path thing is really excellent.

I was listening to Kate Bush singing "Running up that Hill" yesterday. Seems to fit the path/mountain theme.

Here's a thought for you. If you had to look at your life right now and say "All these events are here for a purpose and that purpose is for me to grow into a better person".. how would that affect your discombobulation?

Jeff said...

As you probably know by now, I responded to you guys with the next blog post. Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Clarity. It is all about clarity. Finding it. Understanding what we as human beings feel. And then decide what to do with it.

Charles said...

I liked both of your analogies. (the one in your post and the one in the comments section). I can almost relate to the first one as I have been battling anxiety attacks.

Jod{i} said...

Incredible writing!
Locked me in...Powerful and filled with an appreciated honesty...


Jeff said...

Steppin': Pass the Windex.

Charles: I hope you are getting a handle on those attacks, Charles.

Jodi: Thanks, Jodi. That means a lot coming from you.