Feedback with a Life of Its Own

This post was originally just a response in the feedback section of my last post. It got to be long so I thought I would just post it here instead. The prerequisite to this post is the last one below. Read it first, if you just got here.

I was tempted to post all the feedback here, too, then I thought if people want to be in the know, they can read it for themselves. I don't want to force-feed it people that are just passing through.

So, if you want to know what I am talking about here, read the last post AND the feedback.
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I really don't know how to respond to you guys (and I use the term loosely). The trouble with vague therapy posts is that everyone has an idea of the circumstances. In the specifics, I would say that people wouldn't get it. However, the mind works and responds to situations with principle, so in that aspect, there is sound advice input here.

Steph: I am sure your responses were no more nonsensical than my posts. Thanks. I can always use another rooter.

Galen: Thank you for validating the usefulness of my insanity. I am glad that you got something out of it.

Loz: I feel we are kindred spirits of sorts. Our circumstances aren't the same, but there is a thinking there that we both are able to tune in to. It is true that I have doubts, just not doubts about truth. The doubts are the courses I thought were right for me.

Michelle: You are right and I have already written about that standpoint in my post, "With No Apologies" on May 29. I wrote, "This painful time I am going through is, no doubt, a huge blessing that I just can't see yet. Therefore, pity is not necessary and congratulations are more in order - as upside down as that sounds. Despite the unlikliness of that from my tattered standpoint, I don't command my God to make sense, I just ask that He be there when I surrender. That is not so much to ask the Almighty who has already commited Himself to that very thing."

I still get it, but it is difficult. Of course, I knew it would be. Still, there is peace and even bliss just around the corner, Stephanie.

Discombobulated

That is how I feel right now. I am using my blog today as therapy. This is one of those times where turmoil percolates within and takes over my peace. I know that it is temporary, but I have to play "Beautiful Mind" with myself to stay on top of things.

I don't know exactly where it comes from, but it feels like an attack. It feels as though I have been set up. It is as if I have been assigned to drive a car that has bad steering and brakes. No one else believes that there is anything wrong with the car and that I must be making excuses for my bad driving. It has come to the point where I start to question my driving as well when last week I KNEW it was a problem with the car and not me. It is quite maddening.

The mind is such a fragile thing, isn't it? It is a wonder that we all aren't mad. I guess some think that we are.

Still, with all the madness and uncertainty, I still know there is a peace down there. That is where the "Beautiful Mind" technique comes in. I must ignore what I "see" or feel, and concentrate on what I know. The KNOW must be stronger than the "feel".

I have such pity for those who cannot know that the peace is still there. I thank God for that assurance every day.

Thinking Blog Award

Stephanie at Rumedial Ruminations tagged me for the Thinking Blog Award. It originated at this blog. It is flattering because evidently I make her think. As a matter of fact I was the FIRST one she listed (lah-de-dah). She may have not put it in any order, but she didn't say that so I am thinking I am at the top of her list. (Leave me alone; I can use a break). For the record, the ones I tag are in NO PARTICULAR ORDER!



1. Stepping Over the Junk by the author with the same name. Her self-titled blog gives people a glimpse of her life and explores her thoughts about everything from her relationships to her art. She has the ability to make you feel as though you are a friend right away.

2. Shan from A New Perspective. This is a relatively new read from me. Already, Shan shows that he is deep in thought and gives unique perspectives to life. You can tell by just reading the feedback he has left on this blog.

3. Charles from Am I Thinking That? Charles gives yet another view of life from a different perspective. He lets his guard down a lot in his blog and that is unique for a male. He has a wide variety of thoughts and he follows those. It is a very thoughtful blog.

4. Sayre from SayreSmiles Sayre is one my oldest (not her age, but been with me in the blogosphere) blog friends. She discusses her family primarily and the stories are almost always laugh inspiring.

5. And Mermaid/Montreal Photographer from Once Upon a Time. This award I must give posthumously (proverbially). She has recently given up her blog for reasons I can't go into. She DID make me think and she and her blog will be missed.

There are others that are worthy, but it is hard to determine whether or not they have won the award already or not. I could have listed a past winner here, but I tried.

Here are the rules of this award meme:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

That was that! Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!

NEWS FLASH #2

It is time for the second installment. I want to give props to Galen at Kudzen for cleaning up the introduction to this meme. She is also participating in this, so check her out. If anyone else is doing it, let me know. I haven't had a chance to check out my blogs lately.



NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life:

News (or current events)

Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.)

Work (thoughts on the job or employer)

Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural)

Family (or friends)

Love

Anxiety (a rant or a trouble)

Sports (those who have no interest in sports can be creative such as contests, reality tv, recreation, cards, games), and

Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.

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NEWS - This really isn't news (the way I think of it), but I would be remiss if I didn't mention Paris Hilton. She was sent to jail, had a meltdown, got released, sent back to jail, and now she is not going to appeal the judges decision to send her back. This whole thing is whether or not celebrities get special treatment. Both sides of the argument say, "Yes." One side says that she was released because the poor dear was disraught over having to be in jail (who isn't?). The other side says that she is handled more harshly because of her celebrity status because anyone else wouldn't do jail time at all for her offenses. I say that the celebrity in her (or at least the money) is giving her special, favorable treatment. She is in a cell alone (despite the fact that the jail is overcrowded), and her visitors do not have to stand in line to visit her (some jail visitors have to wait in line 5 hours or more). I think I could do jail (and perhaps enjoy it) if I had those terms. I wonder if she was de-loused.



ENTERTAINMENT - I can't wait to see "Sicko", the new Michael Moore film about the state of healthcare in this country. From all accounts, even Moore detractors were touched by this film. He was on Oprah last week and you know what that means: record box office receipts for Moore. He can count me as one of the opening night attendees, the Lord willing.



WORK - I was on vacation last week, so that is why I have been remiss about my blogging practices lately. I am used to being on a specific schedule, so when I am off it, my life goes haywire. Therefore, if anyone else is doing NEWSFLASH, this is the reason I don't know it yet (but should by the end of the day - or tomorrow).



SPIRIT - I think about the pain and low times I have been going through lately. Sometimes the going gets so rough that you wonder how anything good can come out of it. Then, I am reminded of Israelites escaping the Egyptians under Moses' leadership. He told them, "Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense!" That sounds wonderful and everything, but we all know of good people that have perished. Not everyone is an Israelite. However, I do have the comfort in knowing that it isn't MY will but His that is important. Any suffering that I have to endure, I am sure that there is a higher purpose - even higher than my own earthly life. Since I am only going to be on this Earth for a short while, that's okay.




FAMILY - My wife is coming home this week after being gone on the west coast for two weeks. It will be good to have her back.



LOVE - Love is more than a feeling. As a matter of fact, the feeling is probably overrated. Love, to me, is about commitment and sacrifice. The feeling is just gravy.



ANXIETY - I am a little anxious about the reunion with my wife. Things are going to change in our marriage, and I worry that we both will not believe that it is changing for the better.



SPORTS - I am a horse racing fan. I am not the typical fan, I could care less about the betting aspects, I just love horses and a good story. This year, for all three triple crown races, my second choice won. There wasn't a real good story this year, except that a philly (Rags to Riches) won the Belmont Stakes Saturday for the first time since 1905. That's a good story, I guess.




HOME - I hired my nephew and his girlfriend to clean up and landscape my mother's lawn. Those two are the most anti-lazy people I ever met. I hope they end up getting married and settle on a farm. They are hard workers and they care about doing things right. They work well as a team, too. My mom has an old tree that was inundated with poison ivy. The girlfriend isn't allergic so she was all over that tree climbing it cutting and pulling, while my nephew comes behind her to do the heavy stuff (although she does wield a mean chainsaw). This stuff probably doesn't mean too much to anyone else, but I was darn impressed.

Hopefully, this week will be closer to normal with the blogging. However, we can never boast of tomorrow, can we?

Slap on the Wristbands

I mentioned in NEWSFLASH (below) that my church is wearing wristbands to reduce the complaining and arguing in our lives. It hasn't gone so well for me. I really didn't think I complain so much, but I guess I do. Not only that, my memory is kind of faulty so that doesn't help.

I do tend to complain. What is worse, is that I repeat the same complaint over and over and over and over again. That is horrible to hear, I know. I got it from my sister, I guess. She does the same thing. It gets to become habit which is really one of the worst one that one can have.

Here is an example: Yesterday, I took off of work and had a whole list of things that I needed to attend to. I needed to cut and trim the grass, work on my office, and clean do some maintenance on the house that I have been forever trying to sell before showing it last night to a couple of people.

Nothing ever goes as planned. I am at my mother's house to check on her and make sure she had her meds and breakfast when the kitchen faucet breaks. The thing wouldn't shut off. So, I had to go by a new one and spend all day fixing that which doesn't come easy for me. Then, I BARELY had time to go do the maintenance thing at the house before the prospective buyers arrived. After showing the house, I came back to my mom's where my sister was and set out to get my name in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the record holder for saying, "I'm tired," more times in an hour's period than anyone else ever has. This was only rivaled by my sister, who was trying to set her own record with, "My back hurts."

What great company would the two of us would have been. The only good news is that we rid my mother's house of flys because they all flew out of the house screaming from hearing all the incessant bellyaching.

So you would have thought that I would have been switching that wristband from wrist to wrist like a nervous habit. Nope, I forgot to put it on. I definitely wasn't going to sleep with the thing on because, you know, it isn't very comfortable. However, my poor memory prevented me from putting it on. Shoot, I even forgot this morning. Forgetting is pretty convenient, I must say. However, it WILL be on when I get back. I am still going to do this.

NEWS FLASH

My posts have been somewhat serious lately. I need a break from all that so I decided to make up a a tool (I guess it could blossom as a meme if others are interested). I have also been thinking about combining the two blogs (this one and "The Present Truth"). It just seems too hard to write both. I think it would have been different had I not had to go through some things in my life that took my thoughts in the spiritual realm anyway. Sometimes it is too hard to separate my thinking. Maybe it will be different when I come out on the other side of this tunnel. What do you think? I seldom ask specifically for feedback, but I would appreciate some on this.

On to my "NEWS FLASH". I made this thing up because I liked the idea of tracking my thoughts on a week-to-week basis. It should be relatively quick and easy yet it should be interesting to the point where I can see how my thoughts and interests have changed over time. Ultimately, it should be done once per week (or bi-weekly).

If anyone else is interested in trying this, let me know. This is how I stack it up:

NEWS FLASH is basically news or thoughts that may be changing over time - an update or an evolution of thought that covers a multiple of topics. It is what makes a blogger tick and it is the reason why we read. So, with that in mind, I came up with NEWS FLASH as an acronym that stands for what is going on in life: News (or current events), Entertainment (movies, TV, celebrity, etc.), Work (thoughts on the job or employer), Spirit (thoughts on God and/or the supernatural) Family, Love, Anxiety (a rant or a trouble) Sports (those who have no interest in sports can be creative such as contests, reality tv, recreation, cards, games), and Home (house, yard, or even another family type of thought.

Another good thing about NEWS FLASH is that it can be used as an introduction to a subsequent post this week. After all, these are things that are on the mind. I think it will help organize thoughts.

NEWS - I have been tracking the run for the White House. Last night, the Democrats debated. I was actually impressed with Hilary. Right now, I am giving her a slight edge over Obama. I will be interested to see what Fred Thompson will bring to the discussion. My vote is still up for grabs.

ENTERTAINMENT - I saw "Rocky Balboa" last night on video. It was okay, but I preferred the alternate ending included on the DVD.

WORK - It has been hard for me to concentrate at work lately - that bloody tunnel.

SPIRIT - We have a project that we are doing at church (starting yesterday). They gave us these rubber wristbands to put on to remind us not to complain or argue (for 21 days). If I catch myself complaining or arguing, I am supposed to change wrists. I find the rubber a little too hot to wear all the time, though (Excuse me, while I switch wrists now).

FAMILY - My sister really needs some help. She is disabled and can't work, but government bureaucracy is holding her down. In the meantime, she is running out of financial support from the rest of the family. The dollar can stretch only so far.

LOVE - Here is a stretch for "love", but I have discovered that I have a crush on Sarah Silverman. I hate it, though, because she is kind of vulgar and that is not my type of girl. What are ya gonna do?

ANXIETY - I have to cross the Ohio River to get to and from work everyday. They are closing parts of the bridges to paint and do maintenance. So, they have decided to put THREE lanes on the southbound bridge and have just one open on the northbound one. The three, too narrow, lanes have two going south and one going north inviting head on collisions because of the narrow lanes. It is a huge headache (switching wrists again).

SPORTS - I won on America's Bingo Night on ABC last week. I will know today if I won a trip to the Bellmont Stakes in New York, $50,000 in cash, or just bragging rights on my blog saying that I bingo'd. It sounds kind of pathetic, doesn't it? Maybe not so pathetic if I win one of those prizes, I guess.

HOME - I have the best lead yet on selling my house. I am showing it tomorrow to two sisters and a brother. I think they are all through with marriage and kids and decided to just hole up together for the rest of their lives. That is fine with me as long as they can get a mortgage.

There you have it, the first installment of NEWSFLASH. It beats the heck out of all the cryptic junk, no?

For Sale: Friend, Low Mileage, $4000 OBO

Friendship is important to me. Isn't it funny when we catch ourselves assigning our values to others and then becoming shocked when it is revealed that others do not share those beliefs? This has happened to me recently about friendship.

For some people, friendships are like cars. You get one, are excited about it for a while, and then you let it go for something else. That's not me. If you are a friend of mine, you will ALWAYS be a friend of mine unless your behavior is toxic and it makes being around you unhealthy. Even then, the breaking of the relationship is only a step to reconciliation.

However, to wily nily end friendships is absurd to me. My best friend from my childhood is also named Jeff. I haven't talked to him since sometime in high school. Yet, if he called me today and wanted to meet, I would exhaust every effort to meet him. Why? Because he is a friend of mine and that is enough.

I have another friend who just flat out gets on my nerves. When he calls me, I cringe. He talks incessantly and will not allow you to get off the phone. I could say to him, "Look, this friendship has ran its course. It is not doing it for me." I dont' do that, however. Why? BECAUSE HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE. He has his faults as do I. However, there is something stronger there than to just be dismissed just because he sucks the life out of me sitting on the bloody phone.

How some people can go through life and burn bridges, I don't know. It is their life and they can live it any way they choose, but when they try to transfer that value (or lack thereof) to me, that's where I have problems. When someone asks me, "Why is keeping that friend so important to you?", I consider that a nonsense question.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, I have been urged to end a friendship because someone else has a problem with it (and not really a valid problem). I thought to myself, "what am I, in eighth grade, going around breaking up with friends?" Maybe I should toilet paper my soon ex-friend's house as a way of saying, "goodbye". Sheesh! Some of you may disagree with me about this issue. As a matter of fact, I have been surprised by the number of people who do tend treat friendships like cars. However, it doesn't matter if we disagree to me. I won't break up with you over it.

Hooterville

"Are you kidding me?" That is what I have been shouting all day. I feel like my new nickname ought to be "Oliver Douglas". Have you seen Green Acres? The whole town of Hooterville is very offbeat, and Oliver is the only one that makes any sense. However, because he is the ONLY one, he is the one out of place and everyone else shares the exact same process of insanity.

This is what happened to me last night. I was in the midst of a situation where educated and seemingly reasonable people were dwelling in a state of sheer madness. It was surreal. The look on my face would have been priceless if there was a pic. I was literally waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me that I have been punkt.

When I returned to the "real" world, my family and friends joined me in marveling at my experience. I was so grateful, because I thought I had lost my mind.

One of these days I will share all this cryptic stuff to my blog readers - if I have any by that time. If I were you, I would be sick of it by now.

Peace

Yesterday, I had an epiphany (with apologies to Stephanie, a.k.a. HollyGl). I was churning over the cryptic problem in my life and it was brutal. It reminded me of my boxing days in high school.
Boxing was great until you had to fight someone that outclassed you. This happened a lot when I first started out. You try to study your opponent - get a feel of the way he tends to attack and figure out the most energy-efficient way to protect yourself while looking for openings for your own attacks. However, when you get outclassed, you are always a step behind. Sometimes you know what is going to happen and you still can't stop it. That infuses hopelessness.

However, this particular scenario is about "thinking you have it figured out," but you really don't. Just when you think you got it, you get hit with something new. Adjust, and yet you get still another new and different attack again. Battling my cryptic problem yesterday, I got surprised by a new attack. It had every appearance of being the knockout punch, but by the Grace of God, it had no power. It was solid punch, yet IT HAD NO POWER. It reminded me of a similar supernatural experience that happened to me last year. After being struck, I just walked away. I was immediately reminded of the scripture of Isaiah 54:17, "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn." (KJV)

It transported me back to a similar God-authored wave of peace that came over me in college. I dated a girl that I was sure I was going to marry. She was "the ONE", I was OH so sure. However, we had a rollercoaster of a relationship. I made mistakes. She made mistakes. We were young and didn't know how to deal with them. Some of us never learn, I guess, while others fight through them to happy marriages. It wasn't to be with Andrea and me.

We had broken things off and got back together a couple of times. I remember one time praying to God as I was working my third job (in addition to going to school full-time). It was a work-study job in the biology department changing and cleaning bowls in the school's axolotl colony. My conversation to God went something like this, "God, I am sorry that I didn't share my faith with her. If you see fit to bring her back to me, I will not let that happen again."

God DID see fit to bringing her back to me one last time. We dated again during that fateful summer between my junior and senior years at Indiana University. Andrea had gone to New Jersey to visit her father for a week. I went back to my hometown (I was originally suppose to go with her). We got back the same day. I found in my apartment a warrant out for my arrest. I called the police and they told me that I had better be at the station first thing in the morning or someone would come and get me. I went over to my full-time job and discovered I no longer had one. No explanation was given. I finally got in touch with Andrea on the phone. She wanted to meet with me.

She was at that time in Indianapolis, some 50 miles from Bloomington, where I was at IU. She wanted to meet me at a small town about half-way between us. I pleaded, "Please tell me that you aren't going to end it. I have a warrant out for my arrest and have lost my job. I can't lose you, too." She assured me that she wasn't breaking up. Once more I pleaded, "If you are going to end this, end it now on the phone. Don't make me go on a road trip just to have my heart handed to me." Again, I was assured that she wasn't ending it.

When I got to the parking lot where we met, I immediately saw the look on her face. It revealed that it was over. She confirmed it.

I lost it. I was yelling, waving my arms, asked her why. It surely must have scared her. She had never seen me like that before. I had never seen me like that before. I honestly believed that I wasn't going to make it back to Bloomington alive. I had no incentive. I had officially lost everything.

In all the raving, my mouth uttered, "And I didn't even talk to you about God like I told Him I would." At that very moment, a total peace came over me. It was like I stepped outside of my body, and the Spirit of God stepped into my place. I was a mere spectator as I heard my voice say, "So I am going to tell you about Him right now." The next few minutes, I shared my faith with Andrea, urged her to search for Him further, prayed with her and calmly drove back to Bloomington to face the rest of my problems, totally at peace.

Yesterday was like that for me. I think I even sang.

With No Apologies

It is strange that I would start a spiritual blog recently ( The Present Truth) and it turns out that this one takes a big turn towards the spiritual. I know that some people who read this blog aren't "into" spiritual stuff. However, right now it seems that survival dictates that all my thoughts enter this realm. There is going to be a spiritual edge to this blog more often for the time being I must say with no apologies.

It is little wonder that most of my thoughts lately are concentrated on pain and surrender. Lately, I have had to surrender a lot of things that I care deeply about in order to save some things that are and have to be a higher priority. Sometimes, when I see the disease spreading like wildfire to all parts of the being, it seems that this surrender was in vain. However, I can't let myself think that way. I must take these thoughts captive before they do harm.

Everything is so topsy-turvey that it seems that what is up, is really down. All resolutions are really open sores. Just when I think I get a handle on all the pain, I get slugged by a new weapon in a new, vulnerable spot that I thought was hidden.

Still, I stagger to work, even staggering with this blog. There is no way two weeks ago that I thought I would be blogging. This blog should be on hiatis, yet here it is - still active and still full of cryptic crap that if I was on the other end of it, would probably lose patience with the neurotic author.

I also can't stay caught up on the blogs I read. Sporadically, I will hit one at random and perhaps comment. I just hope there is an understanding there that knows that I am not trying to slight anyone. I am doing what I can and I still care.

Finally, I don't want anyone pitying me. Care about me, stand by me, but don't allow yourself to pity me. This painful time I am going through is, no doubt, a huge blessing that I just can't see yet. Therefore, pity is not necessary and congratulations are more in order - as upside down as that sounds. Despite the unlikliness of that from my tattered standpoint, I don't command my God to make sense, I just ask that He be there when I surrender. That is not so much to ask the Almighty who has already commited Himself to that very thing.