This is my thirteen reasons why this will be a great holiday season;
1. It is the first Christmas as a husband.
2. We are spending a couple of days at my father-in-law's house and he likes me. ;) (he is totally understanding of his daughter's "ways").
3. My mother seems to be maintaining her health.
4. I get as many days off as I want.
5. The Christmas shopping is about 90% completed already.
6. We have Marley the Christmas Dog (he just looks Christmasy).
7. My sister is hosting the get-together and she is great at it.
8. My Christmas turkey!
9. My wife wraps all the presents and is great at it!
10. The present gravy train started at our November reception and will continue till the rest of the year. :)
11. "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" is on TV.
12. Linus' reading of Luke 2 on "Merry Christmas, Charley Brown".
13. I haven't lost sight of the reason for the season!
My Retirement Plan
Today, I was just going to complain about my wife. It has been a while since I had and I didn't want to give the false impression that I finally found marital bliss. However, instead, I am going to present this retirement plan that my wife (ironically enough) sent me through email. There will be plenty of time tomorrow to complain about my wife. ;)
Because I am thinking of my mother and always trying to figure out my own plan for the golden years, I found this email somewhat interesting - even if it was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
________________
This is my retirement plan:
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderlylady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. Ialso noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., allseemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knewthat she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped tosay hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship forthe last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true.! " I stated, "Idon't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than anursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old andfeeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for anursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess andI can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to therestaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bedevery day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T. V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare;if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you toa suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want togo? Princess will have a ship ready to go.
So don't look for me in anursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side --at no cost.
Thursday Thirteen #1
There is an activity out there called "Thursday Thirteen". A blogger makes a list comprising of thirteen uh . . . anything, I guess. It is designed to let the readers get to know them a little more. I don't really know how to officially join the group that is doing it, so I am just going to wing it. They have these little things they put on their blog and I don't even think I could figure out how to do it. Nonetheless, here is my first Thursday list of thirteen.
Thirteen All-Time Favorite TV Characters:
13. Stewie Griffin from The Family Guy. He is the baby with the adult feminine voice. It is so outlandish, that it is fascinating to me.
Thirteen All-Time Favorite TV Characters:
13. Stewie Griffin from The Family Guy. He is the baby with the adult feminine voice. It is so outlandish, that it is fascinating to me.
12. Arthur Fonzerelli (a.k.a. Fonzie, the Fonze) from Happy Days. I used to think he was the coolest guy when I was a kid. I wanted to be him. I always tapped juke boxes when we went out to eat, but I could never turn on a song that way.
11. Dwight Schrute from The Office. The guy is maniacal psychophant. Hilarious.
10. Mr. Spock from Star Trek. He introduced me to logic and was such a contrast from . . .
9. Captain Kirk from Star Trek. He was so melodramatic and bigger than life. He was a master of space karate and always got the girl - even if she was blue or green from time to time.
8. George Costanza from Seinfeld. Nobody could get into a ridiculous jam like this guy. He made the best speeches, too.
7. Edith Bunker from All in the Family. She appeared to be dumb but was probably the one on the show that had the most going on. Edith is the only female on the list. I think this is more of indictment on the industry than on females. Females never seemed to get the interesting roles. I will say that Betty from Ugly Betty may make it to a future list.
6. Data from Star Trek, The Next Generation. Data was an android that had no emotions (in the vein of Spock). However, unlike Spock, Data had a pinnochio complex. He was fascinated with humans and his trying to become human was both interesting and humorous.
5. Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza. Hoss was as big hearted as he was big and strong. There was certain charm about him that drew me to the show.
4. Michael Scott from The Office. He is so funny. He is the guy in real life that you would laugh at in real life but feel guilty about later. With this being a television show, there is no guilt.
3. Kramer from Seinfeld. Every facial expression, body movement, and situation is so exaggerated and plain funny. He keeps the relevance of slapstick humor. He is, indeed, a pod.
2. Barney Fife from The Andy Griffith Show. Barney is a combination of a lot of characters I listed above, but with his own style. There will never be another Barney.
1. Archie Bunker from All in the Family. Archie was so offensive and stupid, it is a miracle in character development that he was so loved by the TV audience. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I soaked up every word and facial expression. Archie is a television masterpiece.
That's my first list - hopefully not my last.
Weird? Yeah, guilty.
This another one of those tagged things. I have mixed emotions about them, but sometimes they are insightful.This is six things that are weird about me:
1. I am a packrat. I have trouble throwing things away. I think in a former life I lived through the Depression (except I don't believe in that sort of thing).
2. I don't recognize my voice on tape or the image of me on film. The voice thing is easy to understand I guess. We all sound differently from the inside than on the out. I don't care too much for the way I sound except from on the inside (which I cannot share). The pictures are kind of weird. I don't think I ever look like myself. I guess it is because my self-image is a lot better than reality.
3. I have a habit of holding a napkin or tissue in my hand (or stuff them in my pocket). I got that habit from my mom. She was always ready for a runny nose or an unexpected mess.
4. I hate feet. Do I even need to explain why? Some e-pals used to threaten to send me pics of their feet, but thankfully no one ever did. :)
5. I can't stand for skin to touch. For instance, when I go to bed, I have to have something between my legs so they won't touch or a blanket between my arms and my chest. I don't know why, but if I let myself, I can drive myself crazy by thinking about my fingers touching themselves in between. Fortunately, I am not nuts about it. Most people don't even know about it - till now. ;)
6. I sing my wife "Happy Birthday" every year in Jimmy Stewart's voice (or the best immitation I can do). She loves Jimmy Stewart and evidently I do a good job at it. I think that is why she married me. She refuses to believe that Jimmy Stewart stutters, though. I say he does - most of the time.
That's the weird me. I am not tagging anyone specifically, but if you read this and thought of a few things about yourself that you would like to put in your blog, let me know.
Plumbers and Doctors
Since I got married, I have inherited yet another house that needs maintenance and upkeep. These aren't my strong points. I don't know exactly what my strong points are, but I do know that these things are not. So, I now have THREE, count them, three houses to maintain. It is kind of like giving a horrible cook a bigger kitchen.
What's worse is that I have a wife that thinks as soon as a man becomes a husband, he becomes Bob Vila. More than that, she thinks that I am responsible for the disrepair as if I get up in the middle of the night while she sleeps and tear stuff up. It is quite baffling, actually.
The latest thing is the kitchen sink. It leaks. I checked it out and it appears to be leaking in multiple places at the same time (where the faucet is connected and where the handles are). How these things decided to leak at the same time, I don't know. I think the whole system has to be replaced.
As I have mentioned to one blogging friend, I cannot afford a plumber - especially during Christmas time. So, I called a friend of ours and he is coming over today to assess and fix the thing. That is great, except for one thing. There is nothing I can do to adequately show my appreciation to this friend. You see, he is a doctor. He DOESN'T need the extra money. He can do anything. He is a physician, he makes shirts and other customed things (mugs, hats, etc.), he does construction, he bakes, you name it. He is so busy, yet he drops everything to come and help. He is gold!
What can I do to show my appreciation? I mean, I insist to pay him for his time and skill. Yet, he doesn't really care about the money - especially the measley amount he is getting from me. It is very humbling.
Fun Friday
Not really, but hey, I can dream. I am still struggling to get rid of this stupid cold so I am going to take a half day off. I guess that is fun.
We are going to put up the tree tonight. I guess that could be fun if my wife is behaving.
I am going to make some hot cider. That could be fun if I don't sneeze into it. Good thing the stuff has to come to a boil. ;)
Here is my Friday Fun challenge. What is the most fun game you can play on the Internet. I am not talking about the "with other people" type games (like poker), I am just talking about some little game that you can play anytime if you have to kill a minute or twenty. My bud, Charles, introduced me to a Monkey Kick Off. If you have a game you like, pass it on.
We are going to put up the tree tonight. I guess that could be fun if my wife is behaving.
I am going to make some hot cider. That could be fun if I don't sneeze into it. Good thing the stuff has to come to a boil. ;)
Here is my Friday Fun challenge. What is the most fun game you can play on the Internet. I am not talking about the "with other people" type games (like poker), I am just talking about some little game that you can play anytime if you have to kill a minute or twenty. My bud, Charles, introduced me to a Monkey Kick Off. If you have a game you like, pass it on.
Weak Week
I have had a busy and taxing week. The Thanksgiving turkey was one of the best ones that I ever produced. If you don't believe me, ask Marley. He ate an entire plate of it when no one was looking.
I suffered through Thanksgiving, actually. I have had this awful cold through the holiday weekend and I am still trying to get rid of it. It has compounded the snoring problem. My wife still is mad at me over this even though I trudge to the couch when she notifies me of the problem. She says that I am not doing enough. If I get suicidal, I think I will probably write a note and say I finally did enough to beat my snoring problem and leave it next to my decapitated head on the bed.
My mother also had some health issues this week. I thought I was going to be forced to take her into the emergency room. She became disoriented and weak. She also has had a cold/sore throat problems that onely compounded things. Recognizing the problems and remembering the fiasco we went through the last time I took her to the hospital, I decided to try to treat her myself with extra sleep and salt pills. That did the trick and she is back to normal - except for the cold. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
Things are calm for the moment, but stay tuned.
Thanksgiving misgivings.
I am a decent cook. There are two things I make extremely well: chili and roasted turkey. Tomorrow, my new wife and I will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner for our families. There will be a couple of people from her neck of the woods there, and the rest is my local family. It will be quite the spectacle because we have a small cottage of a house. We plan on getting a bigger house in the near future, but for now, it is what it is.
I used to be disappointed with turkey. I always ate dark meat because I can't stand dry white meat. All my life, I just thought that was the way turkey is. Then one day it happened. I was working at a department store, fresh out of college when a lady brought in some turkey for Thanksgiving. I asked for dark meat, but she said she didn't bring any because everyone loves white meat. I tasted this moist turkey breast and I looked at the holiday in a whole new light. No longer would I be FORCED to eat dark meat or dehydrate myself with white meat turkey as it soaked up every ounce of saliva from my mouth and glands. NO! I WILL LEARN TO MAKE GOOD TURKEY MYSELF.
The spotlight will be on my turkey for the big day. I opted out of making chili. I can't make both and I already supplied our 90 wedding reception guests with chili just a couple of weeks ago. My turkey, unless I screw up, is very moist and tasty.
I used to be disappointed with turkey. I always ate dark meat because I can't stand dry white meat. All my life, I just thought that was the way turkey is. Then one day it happened. I was working at a department store, fresh out of college when a lady brought in some turkey for Thanksgiving. I asked for dark meat, but she said she didn't bring any because everyone loves white meat. I tasted this moist turkey breast and I looked at the holiday in a whole new light. No longer would I be FORCED to eat dark meat or dehydrate myself with white meat turkey as it soaked up every ounce of saliva from my mouth and glands. NO! I WILL LEARN TO MAKE GOOD TURKEY MYSELF.The next couple of years, I researched and experimented till I came up with the goods. Now, no one in my family even thinks of the possibility of a Thanksgiving or Christmas without Jeff's turkey.
I stuff the turkey with vegetables (water-based kinds like celary and onions) so's not to sponge out the bird's moisture. My wife calls me a few minutes ago and says that two people in her office warned her about cooking anything inside the turkey because Salmonella will thrive there. One of these people being a doctor gets her a little worried. I told her that I was disappointed because we all must have forgotten to get sick or die in the years past. Too bad we didn't know about it before so we would know how to act when we digest all that.
Happy Thanksgiving and by all means stay away from Salmonella!
The Baby and the Bath Water
For most people, they either love or hate Michael Moore. I guess I am different. I kind of like him. Sometimes I LOVE him, but other times I don't like him very much at all. I can listen to him without pre-judging that everything he says is either right or wrong. I can listen, be entertained, and judge for myself on a point-by-point basis. Not dismissing someone altogether because you disagree with some or even a lot that he says is just part of being an adult. Today in the US, we have an overabundance of children when it comes to politics. However, for you teens wanting to be grown-ups, it is never too late. Read on and grow! ;) Try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Moore is right some of the time and off-base some of the time. He is dyed-in-the-wool liberal, which I certainly wouldn't describe myself as such. Here he promises conservatives these things now that the Democrats have captured Congress. I don't agree with all of it, but he certainly makes points. Feel free to agree, disagree, flame - whatever you want; I am just entertained. :)
******************************
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives
November 14th, 2006
To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's
election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place
you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so
much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I
understand.
Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and
the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress,
have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer
you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.
Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:
Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never,
ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we
encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider
your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our
business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to
enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for
you.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring
your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to
send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we
promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your
ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for
diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances
are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up
our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe
the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote
every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice.
Immediately. We will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do
there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your
age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon
or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a
hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our
streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect
your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay
conservative women that wage, too.
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those
beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most
radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the
peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through
the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and
"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for
me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless
America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and
fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good
example for the rest of the world.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and
paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or
herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt
politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us
on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our
heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important
duty as the loyal opposition.
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are
every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim
as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us
the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million
fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.
Signed,
Michael Moore
Moore is right some of the time and off-base some of the time. He is dyed-in-the-wool liberal, which I certainly wouldn't describe myself as such. Here he promises conservatives these things now that the Democrats have captured Congress. I don't agree with all of it, but he certainly makes points. Feel free to agree, disagree, flame - whatever you want; I am just entertained. :)
******************************
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives
November 14th, 2006
To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's
election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place
you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so
much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I
understand.
Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and
the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress,
have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer
you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.
Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:
Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never,
ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we
encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider
your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our
business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to
enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for
you.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring
your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to
send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we
promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your
ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for
diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances
are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up
our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe
the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote
every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice.
Immediately. We will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do
there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your
age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon
or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a
hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our
streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect
your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay
conservative women that wage, too.
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those
beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most
radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the
peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through
the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and
"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for
me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless
America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and
fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good
example for the rest of the world.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and
paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or
herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt
politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us
on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our
heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important
duty as the loyal opposition.
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are
every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim
as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us
the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million
fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.
Signed,
Michael Moore
Marley and Grogan
Last night I went to see the author of Marley and Me, John Grogan, as he discussed his book. I wrote about this book before and how it related to my own dog story. If you forgot or hadn't read it, you can find it here. I finished the book minutes before leaving to see Mr. Grogan. Finishing the book was tough because it brought me back to my own heart-ripping experience with my Griffey. I truthfully didn't know if I could finish it, but I did. Mr. Grogan is as good a speaker as he is a writer. He is just a good story teller and I know that the couple of thousand people at the event appreciated him appearing. After he spoke, he met with anyone that was willing to wait in line to see him and have a book signed. My wife and I waited an hour, and finally had our eight second audience with this New York Times best selling author. We had something signed for our friend, Debi, who couldn't make it because of a class. She was the one that gave us OUR Marley. I told him that while he signed, but he appeared to not really listen. He must have been tired signing all these books at this stop and others. The book had been out for 14 months already.
If you are looking for a good story to read, I recommend this book - especially if you have a fondness for dogs. You will see one of your dogs in at least one of Marley's misadventures. If you read it, be ready to laugh and cry. This piece will demand both from you.
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